I seem to be directed towards healing physically as the first priority.
This makes sense because to fully be in my masculinity and also have an ideal level of testosterone it needs to happen, I just didn't necessarily expect that but I like it.
Until today PM has seemed fairly smooth, but today I felt like something come up and then I started to feel depressed. I then realized that along with that I had the urge to do another loop so I did so. I've been noticing that almost as soon as I start playing it that I relax and it basically 'downregulates' me and I feel better.
Later when I went to put my phone in my room a few hours before bed I realized I now have the urge to do 3 loops at night so I made a playlist for that.
But what i'm noticing is that each time I want to increase the listening I get the same fear as I had around listening in the first place, and thoughts and imagining things that might happen that are negative, telling me that it might be too much, lead to bad stuff etc. I realized that this was happening and it was similar to when I had urges to listen to another loop and the same fear that got me to put off listening for ages and I just let it be there.
I'm about to goto bed and still feeling the fear actually, but I know it's just some part of me trying to stop it because it's doing something good. Currently my thoughts have been "go back and reduce it back to 1 loop" but i'm sticking to the urge to do 3.
This makes sense because to fully be in my masculinity and also have an ideal level of testosterone it needs to happen, I just didn't necessarily expect that but I like it.
Until today PM has seemed fairly smooth, but today I felt like something come up and then I started to feel depressed. I then realized that along with that I had the urge to do another loop so I did so. I've been noticing that almost as soon as I start playing it that I relax and it basically 'downregulates' me and I feel better.
Later when I went to put my phone in my room a few hours before bed I realized I now have the urge to do 3 loops at night so I made a playlist for that.
But what i'm noticing is that each time I want to increase the listening I get the same fear as I had around listening in the first place, and thoughts and imagining things that might happen that are negative, telling me that it might be too much, lead to bad stuff etc. I realized that this was happening and it was similar to when I had urges to listen to another loop and the same fear that got me to put off listening for ages and I just let it be there.
I'm about to goto bed and still feeling the fear actually, but I know it's just some part of me trying to stop it because it's doing something good. Currently my thoughts have been "go back and reduce it back to 1 loop" but i'm sticking to the urge to do 3.
