I just took 2 nights off PM, the extra night was for a very good reason that i'll explain.
It's hard to put my finger on what's happening. First I don't 'feel' like i'm projecting anything different but i've got subtle (or maybe not so subtle) reactions that suggest that I am.
I went to a carnival with friends 2 nights ago. I was really just feeling calm and relaxed, not over the top, pumped up confidence, aggressive or whatever I expected that I had on AM.
First I noticed that the carnies that lived up to their name from the simpsons, the dodgy looking ones were wary of me. I was naturally saying "how's it going" to them when I went on the rides and they wouldn't answer and just seemed unfriendly and didn't want to engage. The one that was really friendly was a normal looking guy.
Also walking past the ticket booth there was a woman in there who was really shy, looking down and couldn't make eye contact. I could read the vibe where I usually may not be able to. I confirmed it when I went to get tickets and briefly talked to her with the response I got. I mentioned it to my friends and one of them confirmed it too saying "I thought she was looking for a bloke".
I also went on another ride I usually may not have, out of my comfort zone. That was good and I felt really good after like i'd conquered something.
But.. I don't know if that ride caused this the next day as I got a little dizzy after it, not too bad at the time. But the next day (yesterday) I woke up really fucked, my vision was blurry, all noises and voices were distant and I was really disconnected and a massive headache and a few other things. It got worse over the day and it was the worst headache i've ever had in my life, even moving my head the smallest bit was painful.
It was bringing up tons of fear, including fear that it may partly be triggered by a fear response to PM. And maybe that it's working to increase testosterone, i've had some intense physical symptoms around my groin area in the past and it took alot to resolve it which I believe is related to my now low testosterone and I worried that may have been triggered and brought on this stuff. In saying that I actually feel that so far PM is helping me heal stuff around my groin area as it's feeling better than in a while. Unexpected but it makes sense if PM is like "find a way to safely increase testosterone" and then it would have to deal with those issues to do so.
I went to bed at 4:30pm and got up at 8am today, I didn't want to look at my phone screen with my crazy headache and don't think I could have handled the input of listening.
I woke up thinking "It probably wasn't PM, it makes more sense it was the carnival ride". But I admit it did cause some fear and trauma around the thought of listening to PM that I worry i'll have to now work through.
But after that I feel that something is guiding me towards healing my body more again and finding new ways to care for it, and I get a sense that PM may be directing me towards doing that in response to what happened.
Anyway, I went down the street briefly this morning since I could now function to get stuff I couldn't yesterday.
Again not feeling any different, but obviously projecting something. I noticed twice that when a mum and kid were walking towards me that the kid was just full on staring at me in awe.
It happened the first time and I was like "what was that" and then it happened again confirming it. My thought is that kids have less 'baggage' so they respond earlier than other people when i'm projecting a different vibe.
I listened to a loop when I got home to make up for last night.
Oh and here's another thing that's interesting. My female friend (she's dating another friend, and I have no interest in her that way) I haven't seen her in person for ages, not much since I started dating her boyfriends sister and then we broke up. But we would message a bit and she would regularly message me.
Well recently she's been weird and when I messaged her she wasn't saying as much.
Since starting PM the vibe has totally changed, she's writing long messages and it's noticably different. What's funny is when i've done masculinity stuff in the past a similar things has happened.
It's hard to put my finger on what's happening. First I don't 'feel' like i'm projecting anything different but i've got subtle (or maybe not so subtle) reactions that suggest that I am.
I went to a carnival with friends 2 nights ago. I was really just feeling calm and relaxed, not over the top, pumped up confidence, aggressive or whatever I expected that I had on AM.
First I noticed that the carnies that lived up to their name from the simpsons, the dodgy looking ones were wary of me. I was naturally saying "how's it going" to them when I went on the rides and they wouldn't answer and just seemed unfriendly and didn't want to engage. The one that was really friendly was a normal looking guy.
Also walking past the ticket booth there was a woman in there who was really shy, looking down and couldn't make eye contact. I could read the vibe where I usually may not be able to. I confirmed it when I went to get tickets and briefly talked to her with the response I got. I mentioned it to my friends and one of them confirmed it too saying "I thought she was looking for a bloke".
I also went on another ride I usually may not have, out of my comfort zone. That was good and I felt really good after like i'd conquered something.
But.. I don't know if that ride caused this the next day as I got a little dizzy after it, not too bad at the time. But the next day (yesterday) I woke up really fucked, my vision was blurry, all noises and voices were distant and I was really disconnected and a massive headache and a few other things. It got worse over the day and it was the worst headache i've ever had in my life, even moving my head the smallest bit was painful.
It was bringing up tons of fear, including fear that it may partly be triggered by a fear response to PM. And maybe that it's working to increase testosterone, i've had some intense physical symptoms around my groin area in the past and it took alot to resolve it which I believe is related to my now low testosterone and I worried that may have been triggered and brought on this stuff. In saying that I actually feel that so far PM is helping me heal stuff around my groin area as it's feeling better than in a while. Unexpected but it makes sense if PM is like "find a way to safely increase testosterone" and then it would have to deal with those issues to do so.
I went to bed at 4:30pm and got up at 8am today, I didn't want to look at my phone screen with my crazy headache and don't think I could have handled the input of listening.
I woke up thinking "It probably wasn't PM, it makes more sense it was the carnival ride". But I admit it did cause some fear and trauma around the thought of listening to PM that I worry i'll have to now work through.
But after that I feel that something is guiding me towards healing my body more again and finding new ways to care for it, and I get a sense that PM may be directing me towards doing that in response to what happened.
Anyway, I went down the street briefly this morning since I could now function to get stuff I couldn't yesterday.
Again not feeling any different, but obviously projecting something. I noticed twice that when a mum and kid were walking towards me that the kid was just full on staring at me in awe.
It happened the first time and I was like "what was that" and then it happened again confirming it. My thought is that kids have less 'baggage' so they respond earlier than other people when i'm projecting a different vibe.
I listened to a loop when I got home to make up for last night.
Oh and here's another thing that's interesting. My female friend (she's dating another friend, and I have no interest in her that way) I haven't seen her in person for ages, not much since I started dating her boyfriends sister and then we broke up. But we would message a bit and she would regularly message me.
Well recently she's been weird and when I messaged her she wasn't saying as much.
Since starting PM the vibe has totally changed, she's writing long messages and it's noticably different. What's funny is when i've done masculinity stuff in the past a similar things has happened.
