Alright I think I’ll start posting again.
There’s been a lot of ups and downs lately. I’ve made a ton of progress, but when I’m emersed in my current issues I’m dealing with it can feel like nothing’s changed and that I’m a loser, or a child, or whatever. I’m doing a lot of growing up internally.
I notice I’m beginning to enjoy myself more, and I’ve become more indulgent. I’m more aware that I’m going to die and have more urgency and this has had an interesting dual effect. On the one hand I want to enjoy myself more before I die, on the other I don’t want to waste it. I have to remind myself to be patient. If I’m not going to do the work that needs to be done to have the life I want, then I might as well not ruin my enjoyment of my current life. Making myself feel like shit isn’t going to make me do what needs to be done.
I both recognize that the subs will help in the background, but at the same time don’t want to overly rely on them since I don’t know if and when that will lead to me being able to get started on the stuff I need to do to have a better life.
I’m currently taking the attitude of work on myself and make money before I worry about women, even though I’ve been wanting a girlfriend more and more as I heal. I notice as my emotional self comes back online I want a girlfriend more.
On the bright side I’m getting a new role at work that’ll allow me to make more money soon. So while it’s not as much as I need for the life that I want, it should have a significant positive impact on my life. I attribute my role change to UMS2 and the general progress I’ve made with Shannon’s subs, since my boss trusts me and likes me.
Spiritual stuff:
I continue to notice spiritual stuff in the background, but it hasn’t been that prominent for some reason. It’s like I can tell something’s going on but a lot of the time I can’t tell what. For example I had a dream there was a vortex or a whirlpool of nothingness in the center of my being. The weird thing is that it made me feel more “real”. I’ve noticed it with things in my perception too. It’s like things are surrounded by and embraced by nothingness and this makes them more real somehow.
It’s annoying though, because while I notice cool progress, I’m still not at the point of what spiritual masters have described. I do notice moments of “stillness” here and there though. Okay the crazy thing is that as I’m typing this in real time I feel on the edge of a really cool experience, like I can feel reality more intimately in a sensory way. It feels like my mind is quiet and like I’m less covered by this subtle blanket of “self” or “concept”.
That’s an interesting thing. I feel like at times I”m on the edge between self and no self. It’s like I engage reality in this self reinforcing “control room” or “reference point” that is completely artificial and unnecessary. Then it feels like I’m beginning to move beyond it and see reality more as it is instead of through the lens of “Frosted”. I think this is the transition between level 10 and 11 in Ken Wilber’s “Integral Theory”. But I could also be going from 9 to 10. And the thing is that I’m not sure if I spend most of my time there or if that’s my peak.
I notice my sense of linearity dissolving. I mean that my logical mind that has dominated my experience is loosening its grip. Not in an insanity inducing way, but quite the opposite actually. It’s like the edges of who I am are dissolving, but at the same time are becoming more clear. Like how the void, or nothingness makes things more real or more of what they are. The cliche when you become less you become more.
This is all cool stuff, but I want to make it clear that this stuff doesn’t make me some guru or anything. It sounds cool to talk about, but it’s just another human experience. I still feel like crying when dealing with my pain lol.
There’s a lot I’m sure I’m missing and I may post it at some other point, or it may go into the ether. A lot has happened on E6. Too much to even try to fit into a post and impossible to capture with words anyways so that you could understand unless you went through similar experiences. It’s like trying to describe a color to a blind person. Phenomenological stuff is hard to get across. I don’t just mean the spiritual stuff either.
I also still want to be a part of this community, but I don’t know how consistent I can be with my current mental issues. I think it’s ADHD mixed with fear and trauma but not completely sure what the cause is. All I know is that sometimes doing what I want or need to do is like nails on a chalk board and borderline impossible to force myself to do, and takes so much willpower that it becomes impractical in the long run. I’m hoping this is something that will be solved by healing with Shannon’s subs and perhaps an ADHD sub in the future.
But yeah, good progress on E6. I will continue to report. Kind of ranted here and don’t feel like editing it. Sorry if it’s kind of unreadable or boring. Two more months to go and then it’s Self Development 5.11G.
Edit:
Another thing I remembered I wanted to talk about is my frustration with social connections. I feel like I’ve made so much progress but can’t utilize it properly not just with work, but socially. I feel isolated and I think it’s cause of trauma. I just shut down around others. I can still interact, but it’s not as my best self where I’m enjoying myself effortlessly. I want to interact with others in a fun way and it’s not like that now. It’s times like these I wish I could run WM 6G lol.
Edit 2:
Something I just remembered. When socializing with tons of people I notice this childhood feeling of abandonment. Like a child that can’t find their mom. It’s like I don’t know where to go or what to do to find safety and I just want to go home. I notice tears wanting to come up and this feeling fear and sadness. This is even among friends. I think this is a really early thing like 4 or 5 years old maybe even earlier. I think the only reason I notice this issue is because of E6.
There’s been a lot of ups and downs lately. I’ve made a ton of progress, but when I’m emersed in my current issues I’m dealing with it can feel like nothing’s changed and that I’m a loser, or a child, or whatever. I’m doing a lot of growing up internally.
I notice I’m beginning to enjoy myself more, and I’ve become more indulgent. I’m more aware that I’m going to die and have more urgency and this has had an interesting dual effect. On the one hand I want to enjoy myself more before I die, on the other I don’t want to waste it. I have to remind myself to be patient. If I’m not going to do the work that needs to be done to have the life I want, then I might as well not ruin my enjoyment of my current life. Making myself feel like shit isn’t going to make me do what needs to be done.
I both recognize that the subs will help in the background, but at the same time don’t want to overly rely on them since I don’t know if and when that will lead to me being able to get started on the stuff I need to do to have a better life.
I’m currently taking the attitude of work on myself and make money before I worry about women, even though I’ve been wanting a girlfriend more and more as I heal. I notice as my emotional self comes back online I want a girlfriend more.
On the bright side I’m getting a new role at work that’ll allow me to make more money soon. So while it’s not as much as I need for the life that I want, it should have a significant positive impact on my life. I attribute my role change to UMS2 and the general progress I’ve made with Shannon’s subs, since my boss trusts me and likes me.
Spiritual stuff:
I continue to notice spiritual stuff in the background, but it hasn’t been that prominent for some reason. It’s like I can tell something’s going on but a lot of the time I can’t tell what. For example I had a dream there was a vortex or a whirlpool of nothingness in the center of my being. The weird thing is that it made me feel more “real”. I’ve noticed it with things in my perception too. It’s like things are surrounded by and embraced by nothingness and this makes them more real somehow.
It’s annoying though, because while I notice cool progress, I’m still not at the point of what spiritual masters have described. I do notice moments of “stillness” here and there though. Okay the crazy thing is that as I’m typing this in real time I feel on the edge of a really cool experience, like I can feel reality more intimately in a sensory way. It feels like my mind is quiet and like I’m less covered by this subtle blanket of “self” or “concept”.
That’s an interesting thing. I feel like at times I”m on the edge between self and no self. It’s like I engage reality in this self reinforcing “control room” or “reference point” that is completely artificial and unnecessary. Then it feels like I’m beginning to move beyond it and see reality more as it is instead of through the lens of “Frosted”. I think this is the transition between level 10 and 11 in Ken Wilber’s “Integral Theory”. But I could also be going from 9 to 10. And the thing is that I’m not sure if I spend most of my time there or if that’s my peak.
I notice my sense of linearity dissolving. I mean that my logical mind that has dominated my experience is loosening its grip. Not in an insanity inducing way, but quite the opposite actually. It’s like the edges of who I am are dissolving, but at the same time are becoming more clear. Like how the void, or nothingness makes things more real or more of what they are. The cliche when you become less you become more.
This is all cool stuff, but I want to make it clear that this stuff doesn’t make me some guru or anything. It sounds cool to talk about, but it’s just another human experience. I still feel like crying when dealing with my pain lol.
There’s a lot I’m sure I’m missing and I may post it at some other point, or it may go into the ether. A lot has happened on E6. Too much to even try to fit into a post and impossible to capture with words anyways so that you could understand unless you went through similar experiences. It’s like trying to describe a color to a blind person. Phenomenological stuff is hard to get across. I don’t just mean the spiritual stuff either.
I also still want to be a part of this community, but I don’t know how consistent I can be with my current mental issues. I think it’s ADHD mixed with fear and trauma but not completely sure what the cause is. All I know is that sometimes doing what I want or need to do is like nails on a chalk board and borderline impossible to force myself to do, and takes so much willpower that it becomes impractical in the long run. I’m hoping this is something that will be solved by healing with Shannon’s subs and perhaps an ADHD sub in the future.
But yeah, good progress on E6. I will continue to report. Kind of ranted here and don’t feel like editing it. Sorry if it’s kind of unreadable or boring. Two more months to go and then it’s Self Development 5.11G.
Edit:
Another thing I remembered I wanted to talk about is my frustration with social connections. I feel like I’ve made so much progress but can’t utilize it properly not just with work, but socially. I feel isolated and I think it’s cause of trauma. I just shut down around others. I can still interact, but it’s not as my best self where I’m enjoying myself effortlessly. I want to interact with others in a fun way and it’s not like that now. It’s times like these I wish I could run WM 6G lol.
Edit 2:
Something I just remembered. When socializing with tons of people I notice this childhood feeling of abandonment. Like a child that can’t find their mom. It’s like I don’t know where to go or what to do to find safety and I just want to go home. I notice tears wanting to come up and this feeling fear and sadness. This is even among friends. I think this is a really early thing like 4 or 5 years old maybe even earlier. I think the only reason I notice this issue is because of E6.
