Day 20:
it's been up and down lately.. at some points I feel awesome like I can do everything..
and at other moments I feel way to tired to do anything, Wich might have something to do porn usage....
I also found out why I'm desperate for an relationship with a woman.. (other then the want for sex ofcourse...)
It's because despite every sub/exp I still have the biggest fear left.. the fear to lose my friends and become lonely again..
For a long time I was part of a big friend group despite my fears,Negativity and insecurities.. but over time it broke down to my D&D group.. + 1 extra
However since the day the couple that was part of the D&D group broke up things got awkward..
at first things went like always with even a meeting, After that meeting things went downhill with a cancelled meeting and D&D being officially dead..
My friend kept the hope to get back with the girl that left him and I kept the hope things would be okay and we would get back together to play D&D and have fun together again..
I even visited my friend during , vacation to cheer him up and have fun together and things are still good between us thank god..
Still today I heard from him that his ex got someone else now.. meaning our hopes are officialy dead..
I felt sad for him but that's how live goes.. It also made me realise that relationship aren't a guarantee you wont get ditched and never be lonely again..
I of course tried to help him as best as I can and hope things will get better for him..
I also dont know if I can still be friends with her.. considering the fact she's a voice actor and I always had the fear of disturbing her during her job.. and now even more awkward because my buddy is hurt now..
What I do now, Is that I need to learn to take inniative and plan more meetings with the friends I can hang out with for now...
Hopefully I will never lose them though.. Or I'm Alpha enough to deal with it and easly make new friends and getting a girlfriend on my own who wont ditch me hehe..
It also shows me how important it is to finally become dependent on my own love, Instead of always leaching on others..
although there are some improvements with SD now: Like trying things out more, being more calm in bad situations (when it's not depended on social relations with people or my porn usage..)
the bright view on the future is in it's up and down state now.. but it's okay I'm still not done with the first month after all... and I know I made the right choice to use SD for 4 runs, AM6 for 1 run, and AM7 for 4 runs as well..
Because once I'm done with this plan, I'm not only will I be able to not only help myself out better but my friends as well..
(also for a few more context:
1- I had a female friend in my old friend group who ditched me simply because I was part of the group..
2- My ex ditched me, Only to replace me with another guy, Back when I was 19 years old..)
So I'm sure these things might also still play a part in my subconcious..
SD-AM6-AM7-SD-AM7-SD-AM7-SD-AM7..
it's been up and down lately.. at some points I feel awesome like I can do everything..
and at other moments I feel way to tired to do anything, Wich might have something to do porn usage....
I also found out why I'm desperate for an relationship with a woman.. (other then the want for sex ofcourse...)
It's because despite every sub/exp I still have the biggest fear left.. the fear to lose my friends and become lonely again..
For a long time I was part of a big friend group despite my fears,Negativity and insecurities.. but over time it broke down to my D&D group.. + 1 extra
However since the day the couple that was part of the D&D group broke up things got awkward..
at first things went like always with even a meeting, After that meeting things went downhill with a cancelled meeting and D&D being officially dead..
My friend kept the hope to get back with the girl that left him and I kept the hope things would be okay and we would get back together to play D&D and have fun together again..
I even visited my friend during , vacation to cheer him up and have fun together and things are still good between us thank god..
Still today I heard from him that his ex got someone else now.. meaning our hopes are officialy dead..
I felt sad for him but that's how live goes.. It also made me realise that relationship aren't a guarantee you wont get ditched and never be lonely again..
I of course tried to help him as best as I can and hope things will get better for him..
I also dont know if I can still be friends with her.. considering the fact she's a voice actor and I always had the fear of disturbing her during her job.. and now even more awkward because my buddy is hurt now..
What I do now, Is that I need to learn to take inniative and plan more meetings with the friends I can hang out with for now...
Hopefully I will never lose them though.. Or I'm Alpha enough to deal with it and easly make new friends and getting a girlfriend on my own who wont ditch me hehe..
It also shows me how important it is to finally become dependent on my own love, Instead of always leaching on others..
although there are some improvements with SD now: Like trying things out more, being more calm in bad situations (when it's not depended on social relations with people or my porn usage..)
the bright view on the future is in it's up and down state now.. but it's okay I'm still not done with the first month after all... and I know I made the right choice to use SD for 4 runs, AM6 for 1 run, and AM7 for 4 runs as well..
Because once I'm done with this plan, I'm not only will I be able to not only help myself out better but my friends as well..
(also for a few more context:
1- I had a female friend in my old friend group who ditched me simply because I was part of the group..
2- My ex ditched me, Only to replace me with another guy, Back when I was 19 years old..)
So I'm sure these things might also still play a part in my subconcious..
SD-AM6-AM7-SD-AM7-SD-AM7-SD-AM7..
