08-01-2024, 12:23 PM
I can feel my core of inadequacy. I’ve dissolved a lot of layers and made a ton of progress. Progress that I can feel and is not illusory feeling like in the past. I feel a physical difference in my body, not just less pain that is easy to brush off. But there is still this core of inadequacy. I can feel it in my stomach, my chest, my throat, the back of my neck and head, and my forehead and behind my sinuses. I suppose this is my pain body.
I’ve already dissolved a ton of it and it’s a ghost of what it used to be. It felt really dense before and now it feels more faint, like it’s close to being gone. Hopefully it doesn’t take much longer for it to disappear.
I’ve noticed myself getting more out of the house. I’m in this weird state where coping mechanisms are less interesting but I’m not yet resonating fully with the things I would be if I was healed more. I do feel like I’m starting to “live” more. Like I’m becoming more “there” instead of like a walking corpse.
When I went to the beach yesterday, for example, I would go from feeling like I had cotton in my head, and being unaware of my surroundings, to sometimes feeling “alive” and aware of the beauty of creation. I even hit a little bit more awareness at one point than I’m used to while staring at a rock being pelted by ocean spray. I felt like the world and I were both sparkling. The experience itself was beautiful.
At a few points I had random childish urges I almost brushed off in embarrassment. But I pushed past that and decided to “live” instead of always putting it off for safety. I rolled around on the ground and at another point let go, through my hands to the sky and released a victory shout to the sky. After shouting I noticed a couple nearby and felt a bit embarrassed because it was something more vulnerable than a normal shout. Don’t regret doing either things. I’d rather be an alive fool than a dead one.
The light is shining through the cracks.
I’ve already dissolved a ton of it and it’s a ghost of what it used to be. It felt really dense before and now it feels more faint, like it’s close to being gone. Hopefully it doesn’t take much longer for it to disappear.
I’ve noticed myself getting more out of the house. I’m in this weird state where coping mechanisms are less interesting but I’m not yet resonating fully with the things I would be if I was healed more. I do feel like I’m starting to “live” more. Like I’m becoming more “there” instead of like a walking corpse.
When I went to the beach yesterday, for example, I would go from feeling like I had cotton in my head, and being unaware of my surroundings, to sometimes feeling “alive” and aware of the beauty of creation. I even hit a little bit more awareness at one point than I’m used to while staring at a rock being pelted by ocean spray. I felt like the world and I were both sparkling. The experience itself was beautiful.
At a few points I had random childish urges I almost brushed off in embarrassment. But I pushed past that and decided to “live” instead of always putting it off for safety. I rolled around on the ground and at another point let go, through my hands to the sky and released a victory shout to the sky. After shouting I noticed a couple nearby and felt a bit embarrassed because it was something more vulnerable than a normal shout. Don’t regret doing either things. I’d rather be an alive fool than a dead one.
The light is shining through the cracks.
