E6 journal

[User_000]

I'm going to be as honest as i can. Maybe i never intended to solve any issue in the first place, when i started using OF i just did it because i was feeling overwhelmed by fear and couldn't even sleep, i just wanted to feel better. That was true as well for the upgrades, at some point i was having symptoms without knowing the cause and then i realised i felt better when using a program so maybe if i kept using them at some point my symptoms will fade completely (the intensity diminished with the time), of course even if i didn't intend to change something was happening on the background, even some of my fears are gone by now and i'm better than before, that's true but then why i'm still struggling with stuff that was supposed to be dealt with or the same shit as usual, i understand trauma is a big influence and messed up my subconscious pretty bad, as well as it's consequences which makes everything worse, i'm very afraid of pain, my anxiety worsened and i became dependent of that trauma. Those combined with my upbringing make a nasty combination, at least i know overprotection from parents has some terrible consequences, lack of emotional support and abandonment (which means i'm lonely as hell) as well as some fears i developed about "what if" whenever some situation because i was reminded constantly about negative outcomes if i didn't do this and that. And there were momentswhen i got motivated and try to change but those moments last for one day and the next day i'm like a zombe again trying to endure my suffering, i also know that trauma works this way to maintain itself it's just that most of the time i don't care about my situation and just time goes by, then i'm complaining because i feel like shit again and the cycle repeats, never actually took any action to solve those problems, i'm just here existing. In truth maybe i just want to run away from my problems or maybe something is happening on the background and that's why i'm writting this.