The End of Exile (My first AM6 run in 5 years)

[Topaz]

Ok so a few things I’m noticing:

1) An inexplicable amount of tiredness. Even with sufficient sleep and a good bit of caffeine.

2) I had a lot of anxiety about an apparent situation that I’m facing (I don’t want to go into details) with a certain individual in the young adult group that I’m slowly starting to do things with more. I found myself before getting very concerned about what this individual thought of me as I felt that I made a not-so-smooth first impression with them. The tension between them and me was extremely palpable and I had a lot of deep shame as a result. However, I’m finding myself to become less and less concerned about it over time and starting to take the view that this person’s opinion of me is none of my business anyway and that they can think or believe whatever they want. I will admit that I have had scenarios playing out in my head of me and this person reconciling and clearing the air and I do, to a certain extent yearn for peace and harmony in this relationship. But if ever I’m in a situation that’s not comfortable, I’ll just remove myself if need be. If this person decides to come around or not, that’s on them. I’ll just keep moving forward, minimize communication with this individual and connect with the other people in the group for the time being. I will chase NO ONE!!!!

3) My knee is still trying to heal so I took a break from the gym and martial arts this week. But I’m using the downtime to get my apartment clean as it is incredibly disgusting right now and has been for about the past month or two. It’s been a slow process because I’ve been feeling pretty overwhelmed with the simple tasks involved and I’ve been having to do it in small bites. This may not have anything to do with the sub, but I do believe that is noteworthy.

4) I’m starting to realize certain things that I do in conversation that tend to put people off to me. We had a “guys night” at one of the member’s house. And there were two times where I said something, one incredibly lame and one mildly inappropriate, although nothing was said and everyone seemed okay, I felt an internal tension that was inexplicable but extremely palpable. An overwhelming internal cringe. I was incredibly self-critical after the fact and was basically screaming at myself in the car on the way home:

“Stop saying stupid shit! Stop throwing your stupid little opinions out randomly! No one fucking cares!!! Go with the flow! Listen to people! Stop being a fucking dork! And dammit you’re in more polite company now! Stop saying inappropriate shit! You’re not with your blue collar buddies!”

I’m not sure when the next event will be, but I look forward to observing others more and still scrutinizing my own behavior. So far I don’t observe any significant damage. But I know I need to keep my mouth under control.

I seems you're very self critical
I meditate everyday and it made an enormous change in my life and self talk
I suggest to meditate for about 30 minutes a day see what happens after a month

Also you might be right and need to pay more attention to what you say
But it doesn't mean everything is wrong with you as a person. Everything is okay do the changes that need to be done