I took around 11 days off, I planned to do 2 weeks but yesterday I hit another point of frustration and went on a masturbation and porn binge last night and today. I was getting fairly down on myself after, I know straight away after that it's damaging, I feel shit, my head feels shit and I know it's not beneficial but then a bit later just seem to automatically goto it again and again for that day and usually the next day.
So I decided to start OGSF again today, now on my phone at the described volume, I also started again at 40 minutes. Unfortunately this means I can only use it during the day since as I said if I look at my phone even momentarily at night I really can't sleep, which is why i've been using programs still on my mp3 player (which has a mono screen easy to look at) at the old method of setting volume.
As soon as I started listening I had a physical shutdown effect, tiredness, head constricted and tight, feeling like the energy was being drained from me and physically shutting down. Interestingly this is what happened yesterday that brought on the binge. I went to a place I wouldn't usually goto, explored and walked around a bit. But it didn't take very long and I got really tired, weak and shut down. Partly frustration I think as I seen some girls and just frustrated I can't make any progress in that area and the fear stopping me. And then I just couldn't enjoy myself or the surroundings, I just felt like "fuck this I can't be bothered" even though it's a beautiful place. I didn't feel like going in the first place, but the point was to make myself goto some places I wouldn't usually go.
The tiredness and shutdown was obviously emotional because I was fine driving home, plus after getting home my energy was fine.
Then in bed I was thinking about it and getting frustrated and what lead me to the binge (the first time last night) was the thought "well I may aswell do something that I know feels good if everything else is fucked" basically.
Funnily enough I did talk to a girl in a shop a few days ago, she smiled at me. I hesitated a bit but then talked to her briefly. But this is a weird double edged thing.. I get this frustration because of the fear stopping me and it leads me to porn and masturbation, or occasionally I will talk to a girl and feel good about it.. but then there's some weird thing that leads me to the same outcome.
So I decided to start OGSF again today, now on my phone at the described volume, I also started again at 40 minutes. Unfortunately this means I can only use it during the day since as I said if I look at my phone even momentarily at night I really can't sleep, which is why i've been using programs still on my mp3 player (which has a mono screen easy to look at) at the old method of setting volume.
As soon as I started listening I had a physical shutdown effect, tiredness, head constricted and tight, feeling like the energy was being drained from me and physically shutting down. Interestingly this is what happened yesterday that brought on the binge. I went to a place I wouldn't usually goto, explored and walked around a bit. But it didn't take very long and I got really tired, weak and shut down. Partly frustration I think as I seen some girls and just frustrated I can't make any progress in that area and the fear stopping me. And then I just couldn't enjoy myself or the surroundings, I just felt like "fuck this I can't be bothered" even though it's a beautiful place. I didn't feel like going in the first place, but the point was to make myself goto some places I wouldn't usually go.
The tiredness and shutdown was obviously emotional because I was fine driving home, plus after getting home my energy was fine.
Then in bed I was thinking about it and getting frustrated and what lead me to the binge (the first time last night) was the thought "well I may aswell do something that I know feels good if everything else is fucked" basically.
Funnily enough I did talk to a girl in a shop a few days ago, she smiled at me. I hesitated a bit but then talked to her briefly. But this is a weird double edged thing.. I get this frustration because of the fear stopping me and it leads me to porn and masturbation, or occasionally I will talk to a girl and feel good about it.. but then there's some weird thing that leads me to the same outcome.
