Pretty much gone down in a hole again. Of course it happens after going away for a martial arts seminar, staying an extra day and something opened up. I felt really grounded after it, and it was noticable when I went out to dinner talking to the girls working, actually the same happened both nights, but mostly the second night after the seminar.
Come back and felt a big constriction in myself when I come back to my home town, though later in the week I went down the street and felt that same groundedness which was good.
Went to acupuncture saturday, working on low testosterone. I felt some sensations in my groin so it may have woken up something, but I can't blame this as this has been a pattern. I planned to goto the beach after, then after I was relaxed and almost just went home to rest, and I knew if I went home i'd look at porn, but then I knew if I went to the beach i'd get frustrated with girls around and the same thing would happen, it was almost like I had decided it was going to happen and I had to interrupt that.
Then it still come up strongly. And went on another porn binge 2 nights ago, then playing porn games for almost a whole day. And the level of obsessiveness this time was more than it has been the last few times. I definately have this deep fear and trauma around this, and instead of the natural biological drive that SHOULD push me to actually talk to girls, I run away to porn and discharge it as soon as any frustration or annoyance and wanting sex comes up, which I know digs me into a deeper hole. I was thinking earlier that it partly makes sense since for like 4 years due to physical symptoms and fatigue I couldn't have had sex even if I wanted to. But I can't get past it.
I've continually every now and then opened up documents and asked what i'm resisting, or what i'm fearing to get deeper but then the same old shit comes up and it doesn't really shift much. I SHOULD be and need to be focusing on becoming more independent, making money and other areas.. but the fact that my biggest overwhelming fear seems to be talking to girls I can't stop thinking about it or trying to focus on it. If I could simply just go out somewhere and talk to a girl i'm attracted to without this fear, feelings in my body making me 'run away' (metaphorically, but yes it feels like it literally pushes me away, and sometimes can't even look at her, which also stops me knowing if i'm getting signals when this happens) that I can't 'just' stop and focus on other things. Except for temporarily after going on a porn binge, it temporarily stops the obsession, but then a few days later I feel much worse, can't be fucked with anything much etc.
I'm still not even sure if I want to keep going OGSF v2 or if it's what I need, if it's just again trying to hide from what I need under the guise of healing. I forget if I mentioned it but during Universal Healing I got this strong feeling and thought "It's time to move forward now" and then I moved onto other things with the goal of moving forward more in life, and didn't achieve much with that and now back to this cycle of healing.
I continually was relaxing myself and asking my higher self, I consistently was getting an image popping up that could hint at what I should be doing, it was an image of me standing there with my shirt off, strong physique (in the image I just seen my back) and money flying all around me. Metaphorical and without fail it would come up every time. I guess it metaphorically hints at dealing with money obviously, but also Masculinity, strength in myself, testosterone possibly since that handles drive and such. But to go in the direction of both of those things would mean not using these subs and using something else.. which would be fine if I could get a clear answer and knew the right direction.
But... I would constantly get different answers of which program to use. Not tons of answers, different answers of around 3-4 things. Generally it would start with 2 things consistently to combine, then I wouldn't be sure and would keep asking, sometimes it would start with Money Magnet then morph to the other 2 things, and a few times after asking over and over then it would goto OGSF v2. I also would put aside any resistance and judgements stopping me getting the right answer, which would sometimes change the answer, but inconsistent. What was consistent though was the image I mentioned popping up every time, usually first.
I then watched a video and tried a different process for asking my higher self, not meaning it to conflict with OGSF (since it wasn't actually mind programming) but I noticed something discharged after doing this process which also might explain the big binge and feeling down.
I did notice some things OGSF was doing like leading me to.. subtle things but didn't necessarily realize until I interrupted it.
I 'thought' I had then got the answer to continue OGSF.. but not long after these doubts coming up again.
And at the moment getting strong feelings of just throwing it away, and since I can't achieve fuck all that I should be achieving or make much real progress I might aswell use some old stuff for manifestation to indulde this obsession with girls and be with a few that I really would like to be with and forget about trying to do anything else, cos almost any progress I make is destroyed and sometimes seems to get worse each time. Plus still this old 'sabotage' that I still believe is from a dodgy hypnotist comes up to derail obvious shifts I have like after dreams I wake up feeling something shifting and it comes up to get rid of it. Still not much i've done has got rid of that, even sessions with hypnotists and in other things. One thing that helped was making an audio for myself which started to subtly decrease it, but I stopped that for OGSF after like a month.
Or just stop bothering with how i'm told to do things, doing everything 'right' constantly expecting to finally actually get the result and not getting it.. and instead go my own way.
It probably sounds like i'm incredibly depressed while writing all of this. I'm actually feeling fairly relaxed, and the whole post is a bit 'matter of fact'.
Come back and felt a big constriction in myself when I come back to my home town, though later in the week I went down the street and felt that same groundedness which was good.
Went to acupuncture saturday, working on low testosterone. I felt some sensations in my groin so it may have woken up something, but I can't blame this as this has been a pattern. I planned to goto the beach after, then after I was relaxed and almost just went home to rest, and I knew if I went home i'd look at porn, but then I knew if I went to the beach i'd get frustrated with girls around and the same thing would happen, it was almost like I had decided it was going to happen and I had to interrupt that.
Then it still come up strongly. And went on another porn binge 2 nights ago, then playing porn games for almost a whole day. And the level of obsessiveness this time was more than it has been the last few times. I definately have this deep fear and trauma around this, and instead of the natural biological drive that SHOULD push me to actually talk to girls, I run away to porn and discharge it as soon as any frustration or annoyance and wanting sex comes up, which I know digs me into a deeper hole. I was thinking earlier that it partly makes sense since for like 4 years due to physical symptoms and fatigue I couldn't have had sex even if I wanted to. But I can't get past it.
I've continually every now and then opened up documents and asked what i'm resisting, or what i'm fearing to get deeper but then the same old shit comes up and it doesn't really shift much. I SHOULD be and need to be focusing on becoming more independent, making money and other areas.. but the fact that my biggest overwhelming fear seems to be talking to girls I can't stop thinking about it or trying to focus on it. If I could simply just go out somewhere and talk to a girl i'm attracted to without this fear, feelings in my body making me 'run away' (metaphorically, but yes it feels like it literally pushes me away, and sometimes can't even look at her, which also stops me knowing if i'm getting signals when this happens) that I can't 'just' stop and focus on other things. Except for temporarily after going on a porn binge, it temporarily stops the obsession, but then a few days later I feel much worse, can't be fucked with anything much etc.
I'm still not even sure if I want to keep going OGSF v2 or if it's what I need, if it's just again trying to hide from what I need under the guise of healing. I forget if I mentioned it but during Universal Healing I got this strong feeling and thought "It's time to move forward now" and then I moved onto other things with the goal of moving forward more in life, and didn't achieve much with that and now back to this cycle of healing.
I continually was relaxing myself and asking my higher self, I consistently was getting an image popping up that could hint at what I should be doing, it was an image of me standing there with my shirt off, strong physique (in the image I just seen my back) and money flying all around me. Metaphorical and without fail it would come up every time. I guess it metaphorically hints at dealing with money obviously, but also Masculinity, strength in myself, testosterone possibly since that handles drive and such. But to go in the direction of both of those things would mean not using these subs and using something else.. which would be fine if I could get a clear answer and knew the right direction.
But... I would constantly get different answers of which program to use. Not tons of answers, different answers of around 3-4 things. Generally it would start with 2 things consistently to combine, then I wouldn't be sure and would keep asking, sometimes it would start with Money Magnet then morph to the other 2 things, and a few times after asking over and over then it would goto OGSF v2. I also would put aside any resistance and judgements stopping me getting the right answer, which would sometimes change the answer, but inconsistent. What was consistent though was the image I mentioned popping up every time, usually first.
I then watched a video and tried a different process for asking my higher self, not meaning it to conflict with OGSF (since it wasn't actually mind programming) but I noticed something discharged after doing this process which also might explain the big binge and feeling down.
I did notice some things OGSF was doing like leading me to.. subtle things but didn't necessarily realize until I interrupted it.
I 'thought' I had then got the answer to continue OGSF.. but not long after these doubts coming up again.
And at the moment getting strong feelings of just throwing it away, and since I can't achieve fuck all that I should be achieving or make much real progress I might aswell use some old stuff for manifestation to indulde this obsession with girls and be with a few that I really would like to be with and forget about trying to do anything else, cos almost any progress I make is destroyed and sometimes seems to get worse each time. Plus still this old 'sabotage' that I still believe is from a dodgy hypnotist comes up to derail obvious shifts I have like after dreams I wake up feeling something shifting and it comes up to get rid of it. Still not much i've done has got rid of that, even sessions with hypnotists and in other things. One thing that helped was making an audio for myself which started to subtly decrease it, but I stopped that for OGSF after like a month.
Or just stop bothering with how i'm told to do things, doing everything 'right' constantly expecting to finally actually get the result and not getting it.. and instead go my own way.
It probably sounds like i'm incredibly depressed while writing all of this. I'm actually feeling fairly relaxed, and the whole post is a bit 'matter of fact'.
