I wanted to goto a halloween thing today, but by the time I finished my morning routine it was too late as you had to be there at a specific time.
So I went to a drive to another town which was the other thing I had in mind if I didn't goto it. I had the idea of listening to OGSF on headphones while walking around where there's alot of girls. I did ocean surf because of headphones, but if it's like when ocean surf didn't lessen the urge for porn and ultrasonic did then maybe I need something else, possibly hybrid so I can hear it still and know what the volume is.
Did 20 minutes, can't say I have much to report about that. Then I wanted to do a social pressure mission, get cheap horrible clothes and just walk around, as that in itself brings discomfort and just let myself feel it. I looked around and didn't really find any clothes horrible enough so I decided not to do it, but now i'm thinking that was possibly also fear just stopping me.
There was a few girls in there, one really stood out and I went over near her but did nothing, and was annoyed. I realize this obsession around girls is coming back again, it's like it's my deepest issue and my deepest fears are connected to it (abandonment/rejection/adoption) but nothing seems to be helping it, it was similar a few years ago but I could push through it, now I just can't seem to.
I went back to the shopping centre and walked around a bit, eventually listened another 20 minutes. Not much else to report, more of the same bullshit and feeling completely invisible. But I can't seem to get to the point of extreme frustration and anger where I just crash through the fear, generally I either goto porn when the frustration stats coming up, or this sabotage that fights against shifts seems to stop that building up enough for me to say "fuck it i've had enough".
I tried a few different things, a Hamza video I watched last night said "take a deep breath and command your legs to move towards them" and another video about "breathing into your balls" I did alot of both, but I notice I struggle to breathe into my balls like there's a disconnection there. I know you can't literally breathe into them, but it's a symbolic thing and shows some kind of physical blockage. Neither of those did much other than make me a little more present.
Then something I started doing on OGSF v1 that did actually help come to mind. Basically I see the girl, imagine saying something to her, feel what that brings up in my body and where it is, then jump into the middle of that feeling. I did that a few times and it relaxes those feelings and subtly shifts it, seems to be the only thing that did something. Didn't get me to the point of talking to anyone but it's something I have to keep in mind as seems to be the only process that helps.
By the time I decided to drive home I was pretty low and the strong feeling was "fuck this, fuck OGSF, there's no point, I can't be fucked anymore, i'm going to either do DMSI or X4a as i'm never going to get any fucking girls interested in me and that's the main thing I need right now".
I guess a strong resistance, I had almost decided this course of action. By the time I got to my town I went to the park and did some light movement which I do most days, and it helps relax me, I felt alot better. Also on the drive I had decided to goto dinner at a place where I went last time the waitress stopped for ages to talk to me and was obviously interested, but I wussed out due to fear. Well I had decided to goto dinner, talk to her more and ask her out.
I almost just went home and used fear as an excuse. But I went there, and unfortunately she wasn't working. But I did feel a shift in my mood just due to the fact that I confronted that and actually went to the place.
So really the same old fucking pattern that I was stuck in like 6 or so years ago because I got the chronic illness and fatigue badly, I was going to these other towns, and doing nothing with girls most of the time due to fear, then getting annoyed at myself and the cycle would continue, now i'm back stuck in the same pattern but worse this time.
At one point today I did make a distinction with my thought patterns. I was starting to get pissed off at the girls, like it was their fault. Then I realized and said "no, this fear is my fault, it's my creation even if it did come from outside experiences, I still created it, and I can take responsibility for it and deal with it". Not that it helped, but it's good that I identified that.
Still feel close to forcefully stopping my usage of OGSF v2 or dialling it up to a huge amount of loops to smash myself over the head because i'm sick of this bullshit.. those are the things I want to do most right now.
The thing that seems to be missing is a masculine energy and a connection to that, as times when I have connected with that and programs that have connected with that have allowed me to talk to girls. Earlier in this journal I went to a psychic market thing and talked to some girls, but it's likely that was from something else I was using since before starting OGSF v2 around masculinity, which the effects of that program have faded now.
Even the confidence and attention and increased respect from that program were more obvious. OGSF is almost 'invisibility mode' which is strange.
In saying that still getting regular trauma coming up and out of my body when I goto bed as a sign something is happening, but other than that half the time I don't know.
So I went to a drive to another town which was the other thing I had in mind if I didn't goto it. I had the idea of listening to OGSF on headphones while walking around where there's alot of girls. I did ocean surf because of headphones, but if it's like when ocean surf didn't lessen the urge for porn and ultrasonic did then maybe I need something else, possibly hybrid so I can hear it still and know what the volume is.
Did 20 minutes, can't say I have much to report about that. Then I wanted to do a social pressure mission, get cheap horrible clothes and just walk around, as that in itself brings discomfort and just let myself feel it. I looked around and didn't really find any clothes horrible enough so I decided not to do it, but now i'm thinking that was possibly also fear just stopping me.
There was a few girls in there, one really stood out and I went over near her but did nothing, and was annoyed. I realize this obsession around girls is coming back again, it's like it's my deepest issue and my deepest fears are connected to it (abandonment/rejection/adoption) but nothing seems to be helping it, it was similar a few years ago but I could push through it, now I just can't seem to.
I went back to the shopping centre and walked around a bit, eventually listened another 20 minutes. Not much else to report, more of the same bullshit and feeling completely invisible. But I can't seem to get to the point of extreme frustration and anger where I just crash through the fear, generally I either goto porn when the frustration stats coming up, or this sabotage that fights against shifts seems to stop that building up enough for me to say "fuck it i've had enough".
I tried a few different things, a Hamza video I watched last night said "take a deep breath and command your legs to move towards them" and another video about "breathing into your balls" I did alot of both, but I notice I struggle to breathe into my balls like there's a disconnection there. I know you can't literally breathe into them, but it's a symbolic thing and shows some kind of physical blockage. Neither of those did much other than make me a little more present.
Then something I started doing on OGSF v1 that did actually help come to mind. Basically I see the girl, imagine saying something to her, feel what that brings up in my body and where it is, then jump into the middle of that feeling. I did that a few times and it relaxes those feelings and subtly shifts it, seems to be the only thing that did something. Didn't get me to the point of talking to anyone but it's something I have to keep in mind as seems to be the only process that helps.
By the time I decided to drive home I was pretty low and the strong feeling was "fuck this, fuck OGSF, there's no point, I can't be fucked anymore, i'm going to either do DMSI or X4a as i'm never going to get any fucking girls interested in me and that's the main thing I need right now".
I guess a strong resistance, I had almost decided this course of action. By the time I got to my town I went to the park and did some light movement which I do most days, and it helps relax me, I felt alot better. Also on the drive I had decided to goto dinner at a place where I went last time the waitress stopped for ages to talk to me and was obviously interested, but I wussed out due to fear. Well I had decided to goto dinner, talk to her more and ask her out.
I almost just went home and used fear as an excuse. But I went there, and unfortunately she wasn't working. But I did feel a shift in my mood just due to the fact that I confronted that and actually went to the place.
So really the same old fucking pattern that I was stuck in like 6 or so years ago because I got the chronic illness and fatigue badly, I was going to these other towns, and doing nothing with girls most of the time due to fear, then getting annoyed at myself and the cycle would continue, now i'm back stuck in the same pattern but worse this time.
At one point today I did make a distinction with my thought patterns. I was starting to get pissed off at the girls, like it was their fault. Then I realized and said "no, this fear is my fault, it's my creation even if it did come from outside experiences, I still created it, and I can take responsibility for it and deal with it". Not that it helped, but it's good that I identified that.
Still feel close to forcefully stopping my usage of OGSF v2 or dialling it up to a huge amount of loops to smash myself over the head because i'm sick of this bullshit.. those are the things I want to do most right now.
The thing that seems to be missing is a masculine energy and a connection to that, as times when I have connected with that and programs that have connected with that have allowed me to talk to girls. Earlier in this journal I went to a psychic market thing and talked to some girls, but it's likely that was from something else I was using since before starting OGSF v2 around masculinity, which the effects of that program have faded now.
Even the confidence and attention and increased respect from that program were more obvious. OGSF is almost 'invisibility mode' which is strange.
In saying that still getting regular trauma coming up and out of my body when I goto bed as a sign something is happening, but other than that half the time I don't know.
