One weird thing that stood out today. I was thinking of a girl I was with like 10+ years ago back when I did security, i've had no interest in her anymore but was thinking about her maybe in the last few days, I can't even remember the context. I seen her in a supermarket today and had all these strong feelings of wanting to be with her again, wanting to have sex with her etc. I stopped the thoughts logically as I know it's not a good idea for reasons I won't go into.
Then it hit me hard thinking about how I was back then, back then was when I was overweight, but I was fairly confident, alpha, generally had someone I was sleeping with.. and the last 5-6 years lost alot of that due to chronic illness and other bs, even feel like I lost more of that masculine essence and confidence in the last 6 months or so.
Especially since starting OGSF i'm feeling fairly invisible, very invisible to girls especially, like more than I ever remember being.. but also starting to wonder if they are intimidated as i've also got into better shape in the last few months and possibly something in my aura of having less guilt, shame and fear. I'm noticing like no smiles and eye contact, but do notice things like they will look down submissively when I look at them, or see me and briefly play with their hair and look down but no eye contact. Yesterday sitting eating a mandarine one girl walked past and when she got close to me head right down submissively, didn't even seem to look at me and when she got past her head back up like normal.
Though generally on V1 and V2 I noticed girls serving me are more polite. One girl in the chemist stands out too, I was looking at protein bars and made a quick comment whether she was taste testing them and she kept trying to keep the conversation going, asking questions which ones I like and such. It stood out to me as not just "I work here so i'm friendly". Then yesterday I went in, this is like 2-3 weeks later and she come into the aisle "Hello again" and talked to her briefly, so must have made an impression. As i've briefly talked to staff members before and then seen them and not even acknowledged. But I was low yesterday from the porn binge, and have too many doubts coming up to go for her number, i'd like to talk to her more though. In these situations I always logically notice that certain behaviours likely mean she's attracted.. but on the feeling level much stronger is "nah, she's not interested, there's no point going for it" and not being able to actually accept that she could be attracted. How the fuck have I gone from someone who slept with over 50 women, who at one point always had a next one lined up.. to being completely unable to do barely anything, too scared to talk to them half the time, and especially go for it.
Another interesting one on the same subject.
Teaching a martial arts class, only had 2 students and my friend who helps me demo. Suddenly had 4 new people, one was a woman I know and her niece who is here from germany. She's 20 and was cute and feminine.
Well I noticed while I was teaching she was playing with her hair alot, like mainly when I was addressing the whole group. Then also conflicting signals like arms crossed but playing with hair. She seemed fairly open to talking at the end, I mentioned what I did on the weekend and that I want to go ten pin bowling and thought of inviting her somewhere. But insecurities that she's like half my age, and fear of issues with the auntie getting upset, plus fear that I don't want to come across as that guy using martial arts teaching to pickup girls, which isn't my intent with the training at all but then these situations can come up and I don't know what I should do (this is the first time it has so far).
Why 5-6 months later do I keep going back to thinking about my ex? Yes I really liked her, got along very well, had alot of fun and great sex.. but in the end it's that I feel I have no other options, if I had several options of attractive girls I wouldn't give a fuck, same with another girl that constantly for a few years keeps popping back into my head and I obsess about her. I guess she was the first one who I did anything with after dealing with chronic illness so being physically unable to be with anyone for a few years.. so in my head it's almost like "oh yeah, well I know she is attracted to me" and keep hoping to randomly run into her.
Though I did run into her, maybe on OGSF v1.. and suddenly I had this strong vibe of "she's not trustworthy".. like she might have been before like 2 years ago but stuff has happened to her that she may not be now. Then that feeling passed and still keep thinking "I wish I could run into her".
Shannon's posts to MrGnome got me thinking.. LTU, OF, UH, OGSF none of them really got me past the fear of talking to girls.. well in the social group and gatherings yes I guess so.. but not just random girls.. whereas back in the day AM6 did. I almost feel like the more 'healing' i've done over the years the more invisible I am to girls and the more unable I am to even do anything with them.
Definately must be alot coming up at the moment, since I haven't typed this much in my journal so far. I could write more but i'll goto bed. But then not sleeping much recently either so that doesn't seem too interesting to me either.
Then it hit me hard thinking about how I was back then, back then was when I was overweight, but I was fairly confident, alpha, generally had someone I was sleeping with.. and the last 5-6 years lost alot of that due to chronic illness and other bs, even feel like I lost more of that masculine essence and confidence in the last 6 months or so.
Especially since starting OGSF i'm feeling fairly invisible, very invisible to girls especially, like more than I ever remember being.. but also starting to wonder if they are intimidated as i've also got into better shape in the last few months and possibly something in my aura of having less guilt, shame and fear. I'm noticing like no smiles and eye contact, but do notice things like they will look down submissively when I look at them, or see me and briefly play with their hair and look down but no eye contact. Yesterday sitting eating a mandarine one girl walked past and when she got close to me head right down submissively, didn't even seem to look at me and when she got past her head back up like normal.
Though generally on V1 and V2 I noticed girls serving me are more polite. One girl in the chemist stands out too, I was looking at protein bars and made a quick comment whether she was taste testing them and she kept trying to keep the conversation going, asking questions which ones I like and such. It stood out to me as not just "I work here so i'm friendly". Then yesterday I went in, this is like 2-3 weeks later and she come into the aisle "Hello again" and talked to her briefly, so must have made an impression. As i've briefly talked to staff members before and then seen them and not even acknowledged. But I was low yesterday from the porn binge, and have too many doubts coming up to go for her number, i'd like to talk to her more though. In these situations I always logically notice that certain behaviours likely mean she's attracted.. but on the feeling level much stronger is "nah, she's not interested, there's no point going for it" and not being able to actually accept that she could be attracted. How the fuck have I gone from someone who slept with over 50 women, who at one point always had a next one lined up.. to being completely unable to do barely anything, too scared to talk to them half the time, and especially go for it.
Another interesting one on the same subject.
Teaching a martial arts class, only had 2 students and my friend who helps me demo. Suddenly had 4 new people, one was a woman I know and her niece who is here from germany. She's 20 and was cute and feminine.
Well I noticed while I was teaching she was playing with her hair alot, like mainly when I was addressing the whole group. Then also conflicting signals like arms crossed but playing with hair. She seemed fairly open to talking at the end, I mentioned what I did on the weekend and that I want to go ten pin bowling and thought of inviting her somewhere. But insecurities that she's like half my age, and fear of issues with the auntie getting upset, plus fear that I don't want to come across as that guy using martial arts teaching to pickup girls, which isn't my intent with the training at all but then these situations can come up and I don't know what I should do (this is the first time it has so far).
Why 5-6 months later do I keep going back to thinking about my ex? Yes I really liked her, got along very well, had alot of fun and great sex.. but in the end it's that I feel I have no other options, if I had several options of attractive girls I wouldn't give a fuck, same with another girl that constantly for a few years keeps popping back into my head and I obsess about her. I guess she was the first one who I did anything with after dealing with chronic illness so being physically unable to be with anyone for a few years.. so in my head it's almost like "oh yeah, well I know she is attracted to me" and keep hoping to randomly run into her.
Though I did run into her, maybe on OGSF v1.. and suddenly I had this strong vibe of "she's not trustworthy".. like she might have been before like 2 years ago but stuff has happened to her that she may not be now. Then that feeling passed and still keep thinking "I wish I could run into her".
Shannon's posts to MrGnome got me thinking.. LTU, OF, UH, OGSF none of them really got me past the fear of talking to girls.. well in the social group and gatherings yes I guess so.. but not just random girls.. whereas back in the day AM6 did. I almost feel like the more 'healing' i've done over the years the more invisible I am to girls and the more unable I am to even do anything with them.
Definately must be alot coming up at the moment, since I haven't typed this much in my journal so far. I could write more but i'll goto bed. But then not sleeping much recently either so that doesn't seem too interesting to me either.
