Haven't felt like saying much, but i'll post this to see if there's any thoughts from Shannon.
The first thing i've been noticing in V2 is an element of "I don't know who I am anymore". And this has been popping up a few times, especially last night. Like I did know who I was quite clearly, but now there's confusion around that, which is the best I can explain it.
2 nights ago I had a dream, I can't remember the start but it started in one way then went totally different. The part that I remember was I was outside in front of a fence and this guy come running over telling me he's going to kill me, he had a knife in his hand and I grabbed his arm and stopped it, but then I noticed he also had a knife in his other hand and he stabbed me in the stomach. At that point I just had this feeling that I gave up and didn't even try to fight back, then the dream ended.
I woke up with alot of intensity/fear/anxiety in my body and just let it be there.
I had a thought that the dream represented killing off the old version of myself and the feeling of "I don't know who I am" increased.
Last night after toastmasters, possibly also because one of the speeches got me thinking.. I was laying in bed thinking "what do I want". And it's still alot of the same things. One thing that is slightly different is with my body, I mainly want to feel good in my body, be functional, good posture as a priority over looks. I realized I got back into the pattern of just wanting to do it for looks/physique a few months ago, during UH I got to the point I was just focusing on feeling good in my body and being functional. (I expanded on that, but won't go too much into it as it distracts from the points that i'm trying to get more clarification on).
The other thing is that I do a thing called 'power postures' in the morning, similar to Qigong. And since that dream i've especially felt like stopping that practice. Not in a "I can't be bothered way" but like i'm being guided away from it, and to something else.
What i'm being guided to is some exercises focused on building vitality and energy recommended to me by someone here, I guess comparable to Qigong or other practices. They sound awesome, but I have kept putting it off, due to fear of what might happen. Well i'm now getting the urge to do them.. and my thoughts are it's likely 2 reasons.
1. Something shifted around the fear and I finally feel I can do them.
2. More importantly, one of the big things holding me back is lack of energy. I've also wondered if part of that low energy is due to long term deep fears which eventually ended up in the chronic fatigue stuff, then other things were stacked on top of that eventually causing it.
So it's like I can use my low energy as an excuse. I wanted to goto a seminar 4 hours away this weekend, but my energy has been low the last few weeks which gave me a reason not to go. So I wonder is OGSF leading me to these exercises to build my energy, then I can actually better act on having less fear?
The main confusion is that so many things i've done where it makes no sense why it should conflict seems to conflict, so i'm afraid these exercises might do so. As they seem to use visualization, moving energy around in your body and such.
But this urge to suddenly use them that I can only attribute to OGSF guiding me towards it is strong. I felt it was trying to guide me away from the current exercises I was doing a few other times, but since the dream I mentioned that urge got alot stronger, enough that this time i'm listening to it.
The first thing i've been noticing in V2 is an element of "I don't know who I am anymore". And this has been popping up a few times, especially last night. Like I did know who I was quite clearly, but now there's confusion around that, which is the best I can explain it.
2 nights ago I had a dream, I can't remember the start but it started in one way then went totally different. The part that I remember was I was outside in front of a fence and this guy come running over telling me he's going to kill me, he had a knife in his hand and I grabbed his arm and stopped it, but then I noticed he also had a knife in his other hand and he stabbed me in the stomach. At that point I just had this feeling that I gave up and didn't even try to fight back, then the dream ended.
I woke up with alot of intensity/fear/anxiety in my body and just let it be there.
I had a thought that the dream represented killing off the old version of myself and the feeling of "I don't know who I am" increased.
Last night after toastmasters, possibly also because one of the speeches got me thinking.. I was laying in bed thinking "what do I want". And it's still alot of the same things. One thing that is slightly different is with my body, I mainly want to feel good in my body, be functional, good posture as a priority over looks. I realized I got back into the pattern of just wanting to do it for looks/physique a few months ago, during UH I got to the point I was just focusing on feeling good in my body and being functional. (I expanded on that, but won't go too much into it as it distracts from the points that i'm trying to get more clarification on).
The other thing is that I do a thing called 'power postures' in the morning, similar to Qigong. And since that dream i've especially felt like stopping that practice. Not in a "I can't be bothered way" but like i'm being guided away from it, and to something else.
What i'm being guided to is some exercises focused on building vitality and energy recommended to me by someone here, I guess comparable to Qigong or other practices. They sound awesome, but I have kept putting it off, due to fear of what might happen. Well i'm now getting the urge to do them.. and my thoughts are it's likely 2 reasons.
1. Something shifted around the fear and I finally feel I can do them.
2. More importantly, one of the big things holding me back is lack of energy. I've also wondered if part of that low energy is due to long term deep fears which eventually ended up in the chronic fatigue stuff, then other things were stacked on top of that eventually causing it.
So it's like I can use my low energy as an excuse. I wanted to goto a seminar 4 hours away this weekend, but my energy has been low the last few weeks which gave me a reason not to go. So I wonder is OGSF leading me to these exercises to build my energy, then I can actually better act on having less fear?
The main confusion is that so many things i've done where it makes no sense why it should conflict seems to conflict, so i'm afraid these exercises might do so. As they seem to use visualization, moving energy around in your body and such.
But this urge to suddenly use them that I can only attribute to OGSF guiding me towards it is strong. I felt it was trying to guide me away from the current exercises I was doing a few other times, but since the dream I mentioned that urge got alot stronger, enough that this time i'm listening to it.
