Transcendental Sith Lord's OGSFv2 5.11G Journal

[DarthXedonias]

I'm going to write this because just yesterday something very big did happen.

I've had a major reduction in PTSD symptoms including flashbacks. This all happened simply because I woke up yesterday and then first thoughts were "I want to change, I'm done living this life. I'm just going to forgive everyone whoever hurt me and move on. I will just choose to believe for now on". Literally, I just woke up and decided to forgive everyone from my past. I was still holding on to too much resentment and anger. It just felt like I woke up, decided something and a light was switched. All that anger, rage and resentment I still held just evaporated. I've even decided that if I see some old thought habits or flashbacks happen I would automatically remind myself that I have forgiven everyone and just wish them the best.

Once I made this decision its like all that hatred, bitterness and anger I was carrying within just vanished. I was reminded of a Buddhist saying "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." I should mention something ,which for some reason I felt compelled to reveal this even though its quite personal, that will reveal just how bad the hurt and suffering goes back. I actually remember clearly when I was 9 or 10 years old and thinking of ending my life. I just remember being at the sink cleaning stuff then all of a sudden I cleaning a knife then stopped all of a sudden. Wondering if it would just all end if I just took the knife and brought it close to my throat. I was able to snap out of it and drop the knife in the seek with clear fear in me but looking back that was the pain of neglect and emotional turmoil talking. Things didn't get better over the years as you know some people can sniff out people they consider weak and abuse the crap out of them while having a smile on their face. I realized like that quote I mentioned I just kept on holding on to that under the surface anger, hatred and hurt. I kept on drinking the poison, hoping it would hurt others.

I realized over these past many years I was the one making it worst. I literally took what people did to me and made it 10 times worst by constantly having them be rent free in my mind and agonizing over it. I was the one causing pain to myself at this point. I was the one in control and I could make the pain and suffering stop. I simply needed to forgive. I think forgiveness is a very misunderstood concept right now. There seems to be 2 extremes as I can tell. Those that simply think the idea of "forgiveness is for yourself" is hogwash and you should just take vengeance no matter what in anyway you can. The other extreme seems to think forgiveness means you rug sweep and act like everything is back to normal. I've realized overtime you can choose forgiveness but still decide not to have a relationship with someone of anything kind who has betrayed you. You know how they are and the trust is gone so no point in having any relationship with them for your own protection.

So, at this point after carrying all this for so long I'm just done. I give up all this so i can move on. If that means forgiving everyone who ever hurt me and forgiving myself then so be it. I just immediately had what was weighing me down all these years just lift off of me. I'm not weighed down anymore and I feel free to move on to whatever is next. This really put in perspective that Marcus Aurelius quote I've said before: “Choose not to be harmed — and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed — and you haven't been.” Its like as soon as I choose to forgive all the pain just went away. By choosing to forgive I was no longer harmed. I really realize the power of forgiveness after finally being able to leave it all behind now.

Other than that not much has happened. I'm just sitting here the last day or so trying to figure out how I proceed with this new found freedom. I still know I want to spend one year in Korea, then 3 years in Germany to get citizenship then 1 year in Japan to get permanent residency. I'm just coming out with new details regarding that. Funny thing is yesterday when I woke up and decided on all that I was actually able to get done a whole bunch of stuff I was being too lazy to do lately. Its like there isn't as much stuff weighing me down from accomplishing my goals now. That's about all for now but I will post here again when new stuff comes up.