Transcendental Sith Lord's OGSFv2 5.11G Journal

[DarthXedonias]

@Shannon Thanks for what you said it actually had a lot of good information that I need to think on. On two things in particular I found quite enlightening. First the thing about maturity and them not seeing their survival being connected to others that had actually answered something i've been thinking on the last few weeks. Mainly where it concerns greed especially it seems like so many powerful people who lack any awareness of this. Where they think they can just keep treating people badly or over abusing their power then they are surprised when enough people get angry that ends with said person losing power or even losing their life. This despite there are so many powerful people in history who did the same and paid the price. Whether its because they got a whole populace angry enough to do something or you cross that one person you shouldn't have crossed. Maybe its the lie they tell themselves that says "That won't happen to me, i am different". Also what you said regarding I need to basically grow to overcome the these issues. I have come to that conclusion earlier this week because as I see it I only have 2 choices. Keep on giving into the hurt and pain which will lead me no where. I will just live a miserable life until the day I die. The alternative is I face the fear and pain to resolve everything so I can move on and make something of myself. Its clear to me option one gives me nothing really. Yeah, i avoid truly facing everything but in the end I still suffer and face a huge amount of mental and emotional torment. With the second option I face that torment head on but by facing it at least I get something out of it in the end, I get peace and joy. So if I'm going to suffer either way I might as well get something for my struggles.

Update: well there was one major thing that happened recently and it happened after the 2nd to last time I listened to the subliminal. I literally haven't watched youtube (except for my online class) in the last close to 48 hours. This is huge because quite frankly all summer I was trying to beat this addiction basically. I would have time where I would manage to go maybe 2 to 3 weeks without watching then slowly I would start watching again and it would be compulsorily. Like I would start refreshing the main page to see what else pops up and start wasting hours and hours of time. However after the second to last time of listening to the sub its like a switch was flipped. I didn't really notice until the first 24 hours was almost over that I hadn't watched a single video. Its like I just went cold turkey. Now I have tried to go cold turkey before but it was usually me thinking about it for a while then having to consciously choose not to do it. This was just effortless and without thought. I just didn't think about watching any videos. I'm sure eventually i will probably watch but it feels like it would be in control now and besides I noticed my wanting to socialize is way more enjoyable to me now. This is all big because as a young kid I was very extroverted but as stuff happened I just withdrew into my shell to hide away.

This is also big because this was the last dopamine chasing behavior I really had left. I noticed since highschool and then throughout the years I seemed to be adicted to dopamine rush producing behaviors. At first it was mainly video games, and TV shows. Later on it was those 2 plus porn and web surfing. I noticed though especially the last 3 years as I have done the subliminals that I started eliminating things though as I eliminated them I would up my usage of my other behaviors to compensate. So after a while I couldn't really watching series online as much because I guess i wasn't getting as stimulated from them along with stuff being resolved. So I upped my usage of video games. As things got resolved with that I dropped video games for the most part and then upped my usage of youtube with porn going and off. I noticed especially this last year and half the porn usage got to levels to the point I wasn't even thinking about it and if I watched it was maybe like once every 3 to 4 weeks. Now I noticed I can't really even get excited about it at all. This left youtube as the last bastion of those behaviors which I upped the usage by a lot to compensate for dropping all those other behaviors. Now whatever was producing me seeking these behaviors to begin with seem to just be gone and so is the compulsion to engage with youtube for anything besides work. I have the feeling as well that my brain chemistry or something has reset because normally if I watched something regarding my computer science courses on youtube that would not be enough to trigger enjoyment at all. It wouldn't stimulate me enough but now I found myself enjoying it and saying "learn this isn't so bad after all".

Either way something has just changed. Most likely some underlying issue was cleared up along with my brain being reset somehow if I find learning more stimulating now. I don't know what the underlying issue was but giving that I was chasing dopamine rush like activities it tells me that it must have been some kind huge underlying fear and anxiety that made me want to drown it out by doing such activities. There is 2 other things I have forgotten to mention these last few days. Ever since having my mind grasp on to that painting view of reality that I mentioned in another post its like my fear of death is just gone. As in my actual eventual death. Before thinking about that would promote this fearful response of really trying to escape that moment. Now its just an event that I will need to deal with eventually. Its just there and its going to happen eventually and i have made peace with that fact. The second thing is probably something that added to the last I mentioned. I realized how much my life does have meaning and purpose just by being here. With that painting analogy I realized we are all interconnected in ways that are unbelievable. I actually thought of the butterfly effect in this instance. For those that don't know the butterfly effect basically elaborates that if you changed even a small thing in the past that would cause a ripple affect that would change everything after that point. If you really thinking about it that meant if someone even went into the past and killed you earlier than you were supposed to that would mean your mere death would affect lots of people in ways you couldn't even fathom which then their difference in choices in response would affect even more people and so on and so forth. Even you by living instead of dying produces a different outcomes. I think from that mere fact alone everyone's life has some level of meaning and affect. We aren't as disconnected from each other as we believe.

I don't know why I didn't realize so many of these thing early. I guess I was just so blinded by my pain, mental anguish and anger to really understand these things to this level. When I really got to think about these things without being blinded by the things I mentioned I realize so much that my outlook on reality was so wrong. That is about it for now but I will report again soon when more stuff comes up. Its obviously to me so far picking to run this sub was the correct decision to make.