OGSF; Neutrino Bomb

[Chris P. Bacon]

Trust the program.  Trust the process.  Trust the instructions.  And no, you cannot turn on a dime with my subliminal experiences anymore.  Don't try to do that.

Thank you for the encouragement. 

It was probably due to a work in progress as well as trying a different sub that got me so low.

A few days back on OGSFv2 and I'm doing good again.

I had a realization a little bit ago. 11 years ago I had a negative experience that caused me to deeply distrust myself and by extension my subconscious. This distrust caused a rather large and out-of-balance shift toward cerebral/mental processes and out of my feelings and intuitive abilities. I began to doubt or discredit my emotions and my intuition waned considerably. This was not without some benefits as I did learn quite a bit during this timeframe and I'm grateful for that. However, life began to lose its luster as more and more time went by. Anxiety fueled a low-grade depression and taxed my body with hormones of stress, which break down the body by nature.

Eventually, I reached a close encounter with poor health that would have led to chronic disease. Ironically, I stumbled upon a vast amount of health information from a community of people who follow a man named Ray Peat. I say ironically because my unbalanced disposition toward cerebral information allowed me to digest and figure out what was wrong with my body and I was able to steer myself towards physical health again. 

I digress.

Today I realized how much that distrust in myself was active and affecting me. It affected all of me as I cut off part of the information stream that could have helped me and made my life more enjoyable. Not only that but it cut the appreciation of many activities because I couldn't let myself go for fear of doing something stupid again. Self-distrust narrows everything you do in life down to the small band that is "control". Like putting on color-tinted glasses, you willingly give up the multicolored nature of every present moment for the sake of one that is hemmed in. Fewer variables, but less color. 

This gave way to a perfectly boring life.

Well, today I grasped how much I distrust myself and was willing to let the work happen. Not sure what it will look like but that's ok. I feel no unease about addressing this and I don't feel much work under the hood going on but that seems to be my OGSFv2 experience so far. I'm sure it'll be good though.

Other things have been happening as well and because of the stealthy nature of this sub, it comes as a little bit of a surprise. I'm not as willing to accept people's bad behavior. I'm not confrontational about it, I just don't blame myself for their behavior. I worry considerably less as if it were the natural course of action. I'm having more desires again and I look forward to things. 

This sub is pretty silent, but it is deadly  .

The last day of this cycle is tomorrow and then I think I'll shorten the days off to 5. There is subtle TID on the 6th day off, which likely means that I should shorten the rest cycle.