09-01-2023, 07:31 AM
Thanks for your words everyone. Appreciate it.
Things are getting more clear now. It was fear, F****** fear!!!!
For the context i will start explaining that my upbringing was brought by overprotecting parents. The kind that always decide what i do, how i do it, always asking permission for doing other things than the ones they already decided for me being most of them rejected and also complaining about why i dare to do such thing making me feel like shit as if i have done something awful. Even when they said stuff like "it's your choice" is still limited to the choices they choose for me so if i chose something else i get the "how you dare even think about that" so as a kid the way to avoid troubles would be obey them and avoid complain, even erase my presence because i'm not comfortable around them (always poking their nose into my business). What leads to? To spend my time and effort with stuff i don't give a damn about, shut my mouth off to avoid problems and avoid all kinds of interactions because i feel anxious around people as if they will judge me or make feel like shit. The past days were eye opening for me because for the first time i realised none of that truly existed. Those were my inner chains that bind me to that past and is nothing more than fear, maybe shame and guilt as well. While i was processing this I remembered the day Maverick was released. At the time i just read about it on the forum but didn't have the desire to use it. But that night I had a dream about me receiving a text message that had written "Maverick" the next morning I logged in and Maverick was released while i was sleeping. If this was a calling for me to use it then it looks like I'm getting closer to do it. For the time being i will focus on getting rid of my chains since the fearful part of me is so scared to change that even now is trying to resist, good thing it can't stop me now.
Things are getting more clear now. It was fear, F****** fear!!!!
For the context i will start explaining that my upbringing was brought by overprotecting parents. The kind that always decide what i do, how i do it, always asking permission for doing other things than the ones they already decided for me being most of them rejected and also complaining about why i dare to do such thing making me feel like shit as if i have done something awful. Even when they said stuff like "it's your choice" is still limited to the choices they choose for me so if i chose something else i get the "how you dare even think about that" so as a kid the way to avoid troubles would be obey them and avoid complain, even erase my presence because i'm not comfortable around them (always poking their nose into my business). What leads to? To spend my time and effort with stuff i don't give a damn about, shut my mouth off to avoid problems and avoid all kinds of interactions because i feel anxious around people as if they will judge me or make feel like shit. The past days were eye opening for me because for the first time i realised none of that truly existed. Those were my inner chains that bind me to that past and is nothing more than fear, maybe shame and guilt as well. While i was processing this I remembered the day Maverick was released. At the time i just read about it on the forum but didn't have the desire to use it. But that night I had a dream about me receiving a text message that had written "Maverick" the next morning I logged in and Maverick was released while i was sleeping. If this was a calling for me to use it then it looks like I'm getting closer to do it. For the time being i will focus on getting rid of my chains since the fearful part of me is so scared to change that even now is trying to resist, good thing it can't stop me now.
