04-07-2023, 03:34 PM
April 7, 2023
2nd rest day
I've been saying I'm scared (I've been feeling it today), and I'm realizing why. I've been feeling anger bubble up at times, and I'm scared .... you'd leave if I shared it.
It's been bubbling up today, and I got home 15 minutes ago, walking into a dinner my landlord is having with some of his friends from out of town. So, naturally, I put on my smile. I talked with them a minute, then excused myself.
He gave me a big compliment, and though I played the part of being grateful for it, it so collided with the anger that's been sitting in me. He said I was a gentleman, and ..... in my mind I was like "No I'm NOT!".
Related to this, I had a conversation with the driver I was with today, and it was about alcohol. He said he likes to have drinks with people to find out who they really are. I myself am not a drinker, but my dad was a salesman when he was alive. He told me he would always have drinks with his clients to learn who they really were, and I shared this with my driver.
I'm bringing this up since this anger and fear rose up in me during this conversation. I shared I remember the last time I drank, and that's why I don't. I was with my older neighbor, her in her mid-90's, and she was still grieving her husband passing months earlier. She brought out some wine, and I had a small glass. What I remember is what I'm experiencing now. I was with a 94ish year old woman, and I felt this hostility waking up in me. It made me feel like I was losing control, and I left within 10 minutes. I was afraid of my anger; I was afraid it'd come out at her, and she was completely innocent.
This runs my life. I hide behind a lot of BS, but the hiding is all so you won't see the real me. Me being angry.
While writing that, I quickly imagined following my feelings. Right behind all this rage and anger is a great sadness. It's been trying to come out this week. But expressing anger, for some reason, equals abandonment to me. It's been a key fear in my life.
2nd rest day
I've been saying I'm scared (I've been feeling it today), and I'm realizing why. I've been feeling anger bubble up at times, and I'm scared .... you'd leave if I shared it.
It's been bubbling up today, and I got home 15 minutes ago, walking into a dinner my landlord is having with some of his friends from out of town. So, naturally, I put on my smile. I talked with them a minute, then excused myself.
He gave me a big compliment, and though I played the part of being grateful for it, it so collided with the anger that's been sitting in me. He said I was a gentleman, and ..... in my mind I was like "No I'm NOT!".
Related to this, I had a conversation with the driver I was with today, and it was about alcohol. He said he likes to have drinks with people to find out who they really are. I myself am not a drinker, but my dad was a salesman when he was alive. He told me he would always have drinks with his clients to learn who they really were, and I shared this with my driver.
I'm bringing this up since this anger and fear rose up in me during this conversation. I shared I remember the last time I drank, and that's why I don't. I was with my older neighbor, her in her mid-90's, and she was still grieving her husband passing months earlier. She brought out some wine, and I had a small glass. What I remember is what I'm experiencing now. I was with a 94ish year old woman, and I felt this hostility waking up in me. It made me feel like I was losing control, and I left within 10 minutes. I was afraid of my anger; I was afraid it'd come out at her, and she was completely innocent.
This runs my life. I hide behind a lot of BS, but the hiding is all so you won't see the real me. Me being angry.
While writing that, I quickly imagined following my feelings. Right behind all this rage and anger is a great sadness. It's been trying to come out this week. But expressing anger, for some reason, equals abandonment to me. It's been a key fear in my life.
I want to be FREE!
