03-31-2023, 04:50 PM
March 31, 2023
1st rest day
E5 is persistent. I felt some discomfort and unwillingness to allow my emotions to flow today. Old fears still playing me. But seriously, I just didn't want to. Didn't want to....
It's been coming on and off at different times. I'm speaking of grief. And last night, I wished for a good cry. I shed some heavy tears watching a movie, and my tears were not about the movie, as I had my own internal movie playing. Facing shame. Facing fear. Facing a lot of major life changes presently too, all at the same time. As awareness has risen, so has a general resistance to allowing it.
Even now, right here, I'm trying to detach from my emotions. There's a fear that I won't be ok, that I won't be loved, (I don't wanna even open that door).
And I said E5 is persistent. Though I've been fearfully fighting the healing wanting to come through......... I've secretly looked forward to it.
Gonna let this activate more in me. What's different now is I see I'm getting closer to my roots--not the "safe" illusions.
I don't want to be alone!! <<< that memory is what I've been scared of.
E5 is on the move.
1st rest day
E5 is persistent. I felt some discomfort and unwillingness to allow my emotions to flow today. Old fears still playing me. But seriously, I just didn't want to. Didn't want to....
It's been coming on and off at different times. I'm speaking of grief. And last night, I wished for a good cry. I shed some heavy tears watching a movie, and my tears were not about the movie, as I had my own internal movie playing. Facing shame. Facing fear. Facing a lot of major life changes presently too, all at the same time. As awareness has risen, so has a general resistance to allowing it.
Even now, right here, I'm trying to detach from my emotions. There's a fear that I won't be ok, that I won't be loved, (I don't wanna even open that door).
And I said E5 is persistent. Though I've been fearfully fighting the healing wanting to come through......... I've secretly looked forward to it.
Gonna let this activate more in me. What's different now is I see I'm getting closer to my roots--not the "safe" illusions.
I don't want to be alone!! <<< that memory is what I've been scared of.
E5 is on the move.
I want to be FREE!
