March 30, 2023
3rd listening day
I woke up sad, but for different reasons.
I was listening last night, and during my 3rd loop, I suddenly felt something which felt good, but was unrecognizable. I took a moment to allow it, then it hit me.
I was feeling an absence of fear. I wasn't feeling fears of abandonment and pain, nor rejection by others (my most common fears). I just wasn't afraid.
This morning I woke up.....and feared losing that reality. Without much thought at all, I snoozed for a half hour. Not my norm.
I've lost little bits of fear before, but all of it? Never. This feels life-changing.
Edit: I didn't want to share the reason for my sadness, but it's coming back up. I was habitually blaming myself thinking it would be my fault if my fears returned. Self blame is pretty harsh and unforgiving; it's my old way of having justice. It comes from a childhood belief that someone needed to be punished. Not sure how to change that.....but part of me feels a lot un-allowed grief as I sit here. I've been doing this a long time, and it's caused (and is causing) a considerable amount of pain.
3rd listening day
I woke up sad, but for different reasons.
I was listening last night, and during my 3rd loop, I suddenly felt something which felt good, but was unrecognizable. I took a moment to allow it, then it hit me.
I was feeling an absence of fear. I wasn't feeling fears of abandonment and pain, nor rejection by others (my most common fears). I just wasn't afraid.
This morning I woke up.....and feared losing that reality. Without much thought at all, I snoozed for a half hour. Not my norm.
I've lost little bits of fear before, but all of it? Never. This feels life-changing.
Edit: I didn't want to share the reason for my sadness, but it's coming back up. I was habitually blaming myself thinking it would be my fault if my fears returned. Self blame is pretty harsh and unforgiving; it's my old way of having justice. It comes from a childhood belief that someone needed to be punished. Not sure how to change that.....but part of me feels a lot un-allowed grief as I sit here. I've been doing this a long time, and it's caused (and is causing) a considerable amount of pain.
I want to be FREE!
