March 25, 2023
1st rest day
First rest days often bring some inner turbulance, and today brought up stuff. Nothing loud and traumatic. More like a steady uncomfortableness along with roaming thoughts seeking some sense.
My biggest truth that popped up happened while I was at work alone. As time has gone on using E5, I've attempted to lower my guard some when it seems like it's a possibility, if only for minutes. I felt slightly tender and made use of my anxiety at work putting in some physical labor. I enjoy my job for that reason, as it's an outlet.
Workers were returning to the yard midday (Saturday is only a half-day), and I began imagining talking and joking with a few. A strange mix of feelings rose in me, and in my mind I was suddenly with my brother when young. What became very obvious, very quickly, was a truth I'd never owned.
I realized whenever I'm in a relationship with a person, I take responsiblity for their comfort and happiness. With guys, that's pretty uncomfortable since the vast majority of males seek to make their own happiness and be independent, and my approach is very similar to a coddling, codependent soul seeking peace by being on the same page continuously. In short, if I take responsiblity for your happiness, that leaves you with no responsiblity and no way to see me as an equal. F***ed up. And guys in general don't want that. I wouldn't.
I'm going to leave what I wrote for now. I'm unsure if I was clear.
My reason: I was raised by an unhappy alcoholic mom who I learned to do this with. She never gave me feedback or correction, so I never learned "this doesn't work in real life". I have blamed myself for her perpetual unhappiness my whole life, even though I buried it. However, my guilt has been surfacing with E5. This subtle but powerful belief has been untested and unresolved, and I thank my rule 4 character it's finally being worked on.
Associated with this has been a belief that I was "good" if I succeeded in making her (and now others) happy--but "bad" if I failed. I've been "bad" (or unlovable) in my self-beliefs since childhood. I've even imagined failing often before going deeper with any relationship. That's a major reason I don't try to build friendships or romantic relationships. (I could stop there, because that's been my life norm). Digging deeper, I remember the pain of "not succeeding", and for a long time I've submitted to this. I only guarded myself by not trying to succeed in real life, as trying and failing pointed back to childhood beliefs I repeatedly attempted to bury. No wonder I've accepted such low goals in real life.
Sidenote: I remember gaining some hope of succeeding while on LTU5. It has USLM, and this really was an exciting blend combined with my negative self-beliefs. I'd love to see how even a small bit of USLM would affect EPHRA.
Those errant beliefs: fueled by fear and confusion. I'm grateful E5 is kicking this up. Cuz ignored pain never really goes away.
1st rest day
First rest days often bring some inner turbulance, and today brought up stuff. Nothing loud and traumatic. More like a steady uncomfortableness along with roaming thoughts seeking some sense.
My biggest truth that popped up happened while I was at work alone. As time has gone on using E5, I've attempted to lower my guard some when it seems like it's a possibility, if only for minutes. I felt slightly tender and made use of my anxiety at work putting in some physical labor. I enjoy my job for that reason, as it's an outlet.
Workers were returning to the yard midday (Saturday is only a half-day), and I began imagining talking and joking with a few. A strange mix of feelings rose in me, and in my mind I was suddenly with my brother when young. What became very obvious, very quickly, was a truth I'd never owned.
I realized whenever I'm in a relationship with a person, I take responsiblity for their comfort and happiness. With guys, that's pretty uncomfortable since the vast majority of males seek to make their own happiness and be independent, and my approach is very similar to a coddling, codependent soul seeking peace by being on the same page continuously. In short, if I take responsiblity for your happiness, that leaves you with no responsiblity and no way to see me as an equal. F***ed up. And guys in general don't want that. I wouldn't.
I'm going to leave what I wrote for now. I'm unsure if I was clear.
My reason: I was raised by an unhappy alcoholic mom who I learned to do this with. She never gave me feedback or correction, so I never learned "this doesn't work in real life". I have blamed myself for her perpetual unhappiness my whole life, even though I buried it. However, my guilt has been surfacing with E5. This subtle but powerful belief has been untested and unresolved, and I thank my rule 4 character it's finally being worked on.
Associated with this has been a belief that I was "good" if I succeeded in making her (and now others) happy--but "bad" if I failed. I've been "bad" (or unlovable) in my self-beliefs since childhood. I've even imagined failing often before going deeper with any relationship. That's a major reason I don't try to build friendships or romantic relationships. (I could stop there, because that's been my life norm). Digging deeper, I remember the pain of "not succeeding", and for a long time I've submitted to this. I only guarded myself by not trying to succeed in real life, as trying and failing pointed back to childhood beliefs I repeatedly attempted to bury. No wonder I've accepted such low goals in real life.
Sidenote: I remember gaining some hope of succeeding while on LTU5. It has USLM, and this really was an exciting blend combined with my negative self-beliefs. I'd love to see how even a small bit of USLM would affect EPHRA.
Those errant beliefs: fueled by fear and confusion. I'm grateful E5 is kicking this up. Cuz ignored pain never really goes away.
I want to be FREE!
