03-22-2023, 09:42 AM
March 22, 2023 (cont.)
I've been adamantly avoiding and resenting dealing with my present, so I'm writing to get some out of my head. My head never stops, good or bad, but the fear working through this latest uncovering is trying HARD to keep me from change. And that little writing popped me out of "unreality".
I'm trying to focus on what is true since fears warp my reality constantly. Things needing done are either quietly dismissed, or the opposite happens, where a panic and a frenzy pop up, filling me with fear and nothing else. Little or no sanity (as in "sense") seems to occupy my thoughts. It's literally ALLLLL!!!!!! and tunnel vision takes over with excessive aggression or "nothing" where timid thoughts steer me, and I feel helpless.
I called out this morning, a first in over a year. I couldn't/wouldn't/didn't want to feel the pain of living behind shields, and calling out was a choice, not a need. Slept in, going to do laundry now, and am going to visit a possible new landlord later. My norm of avoiding changes is definitely challenged. And this is just a part of the journey.
I'll admit this. I touched on the relational part here when I was writing. I've been feeling so low about me and my heart's choices, so I've very often kept myself out of relationships. I've thought "who would want to know me with all the lying I've lived behind?" That belief is being worked on and....challenged. I'll go out and see what I face.
I've been adamantly avoiding and resenting dealing with my present, so I'm writing to get some out of my head. My head never stops, good or bad, but the fear working through this latest uncovering is trying HARD to keep me from change. And that little writing popped me out of "unreality".
I'm trying to focus on what is true since fears warp my reality constantly. Things needing done are either quietly dismissed, or the opposite happens, where a panic and a frenzy pop up, filling me with fear and nothing else. Little or no sanity (as in "sense") seems to occupy my thoughts. It's literally ALLLLL!!!!!! and tunnel vision takes over with excessive aggression or "nothing" where timid thoughts steer me, and I feel helpless.
I called out this morning, a first in over a year. I couldn't/wouldn't/didn't want to feel the pain of living behind shields, and calling out was a choice, not a need. Slept in, going to do laundry now, and am going to visit a possible new landlord later. My norm of avoiding changes is definitely challenged. And this is just a part of the journey.
I'll admit this. I touched on the relational part here when I was writing. I've been feeling so low about me and my heart's choices, so I've very often kept myself out of relationships. I've thought "who would want to know me with all the lying I've lived behind?" That belief is being worked on and....challenged. I'll go out and see what I face.
I want to be FREE!
