03-21-2023, 01:33 AM
March 21, 2023
3rd rest day
It might be Universal Detox.
Something powerful has been building in me. I barely know how to describe it. All I know is I'm being affected by it. I've not had a compulsion to keep writing lately, and I know why. I keep looking for some recognizable and acceptable mold to comply with. However, in every way I've done life pre-E5, I've been willing to accept non-truths just to fall in line and be acceptable. And something (likely UD) is not accepting this old practice.
I barely want to write. More writing equals me vying and fighting for other's acceptance. And it's all based on "if I do this, say this, perform for you, will you love me?"
Yesterday, I was working with a driver and he had a radio station playing upbeat, encouraging music. I began allowing myself to be really soft, and I began getting weepy. Not loud, and not noticeable. But minutes later we went to a gas station for lunch. Like E2 experiences, I realized the image, the me I presented to everyone else, was all a front and a lie. I didn't sob, but my heart was on my sleeve.
This is what I've been waiting for. The inability to bullshit myself. That's what I desire.
3rd rest day
It might be Universal Detox.
Something powerful has been building in me. I barely know how to describe it. All I know is I'm being affected by it. I've not had a compulsion to keep writing lately, and I know why. I keep looking for some recognizable and acceptable mold to comply with. However, in every way I've done life pre-E5, I've been willing to accept non-truths just to fall in line and be acceptable. And something (likely UD) is not accepting this old practice.
I barely want to write. More writing equals me vying and fighting for other's acceptance. And it's all based on "if I do this, say this, perform for you, will you love me?"
Yesterday, I was working with a driver and he had a radio station playing upbeat, encouraging music. I began allowing myself to be really soft, and I began getting weepy. Not loud, and not noticeable. But minutes later we went to a gas station for lunch. Like E2 experiences, I realized the image, the me I presented to everyone else, was all a front and a lie. I didn't sob, but my heart was on my sleeve.
This is what I've been waiting for. The inability to bullshit myself. That's what I desire.
I want to be FREE!
