03-16-2023, 04:49 PM
March 16, 2023
1st listening day
I'll admit shame and fear have kept me from writing. Even seconds ago, I quickly found a reason to just hit the computer's power button to try to forget I wrote here. I realized this, and didn't.
All I can safely say is it's the thinking of a very scared child. Rather, a traumatized boy. When I began E5, I felt young, and I even welcomed feelings and memories to surface. Right now, I swear this child is running me, and being honest seems the most dangerous thing I could do. For some reason, he (I) am living with that imagined terror. But growing up both in and out of the home was a full-time job of hiding and pretending. I feared abandonment and a powerful shame if the secret was exposed. I learned to hide it from myself, which is why I returned to EHPRA.
On an encouraging note, I did have elements of E5 pop up to spur me on recently. Yesterday I felt a need to be responsible for myself---which isn't normal for me. I kept looking for some feel-good escape in my mind, and I couldn't hang on to any which actually came up. I even submitted to not escaping into something harmful since I also was aware of how I'd feel after.
And I'm writing here to hear my truth. To be truthful to myself. Even the thought or act of hiding makes any minute suffering 10 times worse. That's why I write, why I share this.
Lastly, I'm feeling bad writing since my attention is on no one else here. To explain what I mean, I'll share what happened today. I jumped into some small dirty jobs since I felt useful and needed--I was excited since no one else wanted to do this. In contrast, I have no connections here in this community, but fear in me has been quite constant since I've been here. I've always sought a need to fill (not really healthy thinking, I'll admit), but...... I don't know where I'm going or who I am. I keep looking for old patterns and templates I've used, but I feel out of my norm. Not helpless. In fact, me owning my shit would help me tremendously. That would encourage the heck out of me.
Today I even had this 15-minute imagination of me having a conversation with my subconscious. I found him being VERY supportive and attentive. I imagined me writing it out here, and that felt real good. Just admitting the truths I'm always trying to hide was something that felt incredibly refreshing.
Out for now.
And wow. Slowly, I am owning my stuff. Small steps, but steps just the same.
1st listening day
I'll admit shame and fear have kept me from writing. Even seconds ago, I quickly found a reason to just hit the computer's power button to try to forget I wrote here. I realized this, and didn't.
All I can safely say is it's the thinking of a very scared child. Rather, a traumatized boy. When I began E5, I felt young, and I even welcomed feelings and memories to surface. Right now, I swear this child is running me, and being honest seems the most dangerous thing I could do. For some reason, he (I) am living with that imagined terror. But growing up both in and out of the home was a full-time job of hiding and pretending. I feared abandonment and a powerful shame if the secret was exposed. I learned to hide it from myself, which is why I returned to EHPRA.
On an encouraging note, I did have elements of E5 pop up to spur me on recently. Yesterday I felt a need to be responsible for myself---which isn't normal for me. I kept looking for some feel-good escape in my mind, and I couldn't hang on to any which actually came up. I even submitted to not escaping into something harmful since I also was aware of how I'd feel after.
And I'm writing here to hear my truth. To be truthful to myself. Even the thought or act of hiding makes any minute suffering 10 times worse. That's why I write, why I share this.
Lastly, I'm feeling bad writing since my attention is on no one else here. To explain what I mean, I'll share what happened today. I jumped into some small dirty jobs since I felt useful and needed--I was excited since no one else wanted to do this. In contrast, I have no connections here in this community, but fear in me has been quite constant since I've been here. I've always sought a need to fill (not really healthy thinking, I'll admit), but...... I don't know where I'm going or who I am. I keep looking for old patterns and templates I've used, but I feel out of my norm. Not helpless. In fact, me owning my shit would help me tremendously. That would encourage the heck out of me.
Today I even had this 15-minute imagination of me having a conversation with my subconscious. I found him being VERY supportive and attentive. I imagined me writing it out here, and that felt real good. Just admitting the truths I'm always trying to hide was something that felt incredibly refreshing.
Out for now.
And wow. Slowly, I am owning my stuff. Small steps, but steps just the same.
I want to be FREE!
