03-12-2023, 04:46 PM
March 12, 2023
3rd listening day
I listened to loops this morning, and I've struggled some today. Like I felt alone. Solitary. Lots of fear still. But no love. None for myself, and none for even family members. Fear disconnects me from everyone. That's all that fear does, really.
I just watched a movie I'd watched with my wife when we were still together. It was sweet. Gentle. And soft. I'd seen it listed in YT weeks ago, but ....feared it for some reason. Like soft feelings had been wrapped up in fear for some reason.
Nah. Loving someone, anyone, opens my heart too. I'm a complete unguarded mush when I open up. I've lost at love a few times. And I feel I'm in the ring again, maybe to love myself a bit this time. To be honest, romantic relationships are very much an uncharted territory for me. Well, learning someone is always its own experience. However, fear has kept me away from others in personal relationships.
I'm writing all this since I got a love flash a short while ago. I still remember how E2 opened me up, and people seemed suddenly attracted to me. Looking back, I still held on to self-imposed limits (or fears), but something in E2 constantly challenged my fears. That love flash instantly brought me back to those E2 memories.
Today I wasn't out long, but I felt (and still feel) a need for giving and receiving love. I'm actually looking for opportunities. I also noticed some fears and blocks. I've noticed I keep my head down so not to look people in the eyes. That's fear in action. I even looked at other IML subs today, imagining switching. I've done that before when I felt overwhelmed by fear.
But just watching that love movie reminded me that I'll be alright. My main reason for not seriously considering jumping? The fact that I'd have to come back somehow somewhere to deal with the baggage I've been carrying so long. There were a lot of good moments and memories on E2. I'll hang on to those right now. They let me know that love is still possible, even unexpected.
3rd listening day
I listened to loops this morning, and I've struggled some today. Like I felt alone. Solitary. Lots of fear still. But no love. None for myself, and none for even family members. Fear disconnects me from everyone. That's all that fear does, really.
I just watched a movie I'd watched with my wife when we were still together. It was sweet. Gentle. And soft. I'd seen it listed in YT weeks ago, but ....feared it for some reason. Like soft feelings had been wrapped up in fear for some reason.
Nah. Loving someone, anyone, opens my heart too. I'm a complete unguarded mush when I open up. I've lost at love a few times. And I feel I'm in the ring again, maybe to love myself a bit this time. To be honest, romantic relationships are very much an uncharted territory for me. Well, learning someone is always its own experience. However, fear has kept me away from others in personal relationships.
I'm writing all this since I got a love flash a short while ago. I still remember how E2 opened me up, and people seemed suddenly attracted to me. Looking back, I still held on to self-imposed limits (or fears), but something in E2 constantly challenged my fears. That love flash instantly brought me back to those E2 memories.
Today I wasn't out long, but I felt (and still feel) a need for giving and receiving love. I'm actually looking for opportunities. I also noticed some fears and blocks. I've noticed I keep my head down so not to look people in the eyes. That's fear in action. I even looked at other IML subs today, imagining switching. I've done that before when I felt overwhelmed by fear.
But just watching that love movie reminded me that I'll be alright. My main reason for not seriously considering jumping? The fact that I'd have to come back somehow somewhere to deal with the baggage I've been carrying so long. There were a lot of good moments and memories on E2. I'll hang on to those right now. They let me know that love is still possible, even unexpected.
I want to be FREE!
