03-09-2023, 05:46 PM
March 9, 2023
3rd rest day
I'm sick of this.
Not sick of growing, but rather sick of my norm of holding it in so I'll not grow. I've grown angry at my resistance and imagined fear. F***. Something scares me and I don't know what. I've been slowly drifting towards more peace with myself on a daily basis, I've really felt drawn towards it........but something is scared to let go. I've been realizing a lot of things these last couple of days, and fearful stagnation (not feeling ok with changing) is showing up.
I seemed to have given my personal rights away when I was growing up. I believed I'd be loved if you needed me, like having a reason for being loveable. So I've put myself around people and places where I'd be "needed". I'm sick of performing to earn love, my own included.
I'm always, always, always seeking to be acceptable by others. And this forum is a ripe location for me, which is why I dare not post in others threads. You may see parts of me which are true and honest--and my lying to be acceptable creates a lot of friction with it.
This is all emotional puke at the moment, but from another perspective I'm gaining. I'm uncomfortable and unsure what to say--but E5 has been turning up the heat for me to take some responsibility for this. This whole thread is another whine, but an angry one. Even trying to manipulate others for help is undesired. But it's all coming from E5's work. A self-compassion is growing, so is a wanting of emotional intimacy, and I'm acting different and less guarded around others. I don't fear my tomorrow, I've just feared stuff getting and staying stuck in me where I can't even identify it.
I want to share something which happened yesterday. I began bitching in my mind about my female manager....and I realized I'd done this before, numerous times. I know nothing (very little) about her life. I've known I just like destroying her in my mind with hate. Huh? I suddenly saw my hate and resentment towards my mom for being unavailable pasted all over my female manager. That was why I was hating her. I was spewing hate and hurt at her in my thoughts (very rarely vocally), and I felt closer to an actual resolution in my thoughts. My mom's passed on, so how could I resolve this? I realized that all my memories and beliefs are in my mind, and that's mostly where I need to heal. I've let this "unidentified" hatred steer every female interaction in my life. And as long as it's been unresolved and untouched, it's been kept alive. E5 is a gift to keep opening because there's always something new to see.
I spit out a lot of stuff, and it is needed. I'm growing. I'm changing. I have no idea where my next challenge will be--I just need to focus on now. And weirdly enough, I feel better now after being honest. I'm glad I could share it somewhere.
3rd rest day
I'm sick of this.
Not sick of growing, but rather sick of my norm of holding it in so I'll not grow. I've grown angry at my resistance and imagined fear. F***. Something scares me and I don't know what. I've been slowly drifting towards more peace with myself on a daily basis, I've really felt drawn towards it........but something is scared to let go. I've been realizing a lot of things these last couple of days, and fearful stagnation (not feeling ok with changing) is showing up.
I seemed to have given my personal rights away when I was growing up. I believed I'd be loved if you needed me, like having a reason for being loveable. So I've put myself around people and places where I'd be "needed". I'm sick of performing to earn love, my own included.
I'm always, always, always seeking to be acceptable by others. And this forum is a ripe location for me, which is why I dare not post in others threads. You may see parts of me which are true and honest--and my lying to be acceptable creates a lot of friction with it.
This is all emotional puke at the moment, but from another perspective I'm gaining. I'm uncomfortable and unsure what to say--but E5 has been turning up the heat for me to take some responsibility for this. This whole thread is another whine, but an angry one. Even trying to manipulate others for help is undesired. But it's all coming from E5's work. A self-compassion is growing, so is a wanting of emotional intimacy, and I'm acting different and less guarded around others. I don't fear my tomorrow, I've just feared stuff getting and staying stuck in me where I can't even identify it.
I want to share something which happened yesterday. I began bitching in my mind about my female manager....and I realized I'd done this before, numerous times. I know nothing (very little) about her life. I've known I just like destroying her in my mind with hate. Huh? I suddenly saw my hate and resentment towards my mom for being unavailable pasted all over my female manager. That was why I was hating her. I was spewing hate and hurt at her in my thoughts (very rarely vocally), and I felt closer to an actual resolution in my thoughts. My mom's passed on, so how could I resolve this? I realized that all my memories and beliefs are in my mind, and that's mostly where I need to heal. I've let this "unidentified" hatred steer every female interaction in my life. And as long as it's been unresolved and untouched, it's been kept alive. E5 is a gift to keep opening because there's always something new to see.
I spit out a lot of stuff, and it is needed. I'm growing. I'm changing. I have no idea where my next challenge will be--I just need to focus on now. And weirdly enough, I feel better now after being honest. I'm glad I could share it somewhere.
I want to be FREE!
