03-06-2023, 02:17 AM
March 6, 2023
3rd listening day
I woke up, and fear is trying to win this morning. I could have gotten up immediately, but fear spoke up, reminding me (or just telling me) how much of a failure I am. Or how I'd feel if I tried and failed.
Additionally, its strongest point (which has been successful many times) was my fear was familiar, meaning it's safe. I'm slowly seeing and feeling the major lie in this, but fear still works to cloud my thinking on this. If fear's plan A doesn't work, plan B (or C, D...) is used, until I'm completely unaware my mind has been hijacked once again. I didn't get up until almost 2 snoozes later.
I went to bed last night imagining living without fear, so a battle has ensued for a version of truth I'll accept. But damn, living without the constant chains of fear is so damn wanted.
And on that point, I'm slowly seeing how much choosing I'm doing. In my early days of using subs (2016), I thought the subs were doing all the work, and I was just passively following. I was afraid to fail, and fear steered me this way and that. I'd been doing this for decades.
But I'm being embued with a sense of power by my choosing between the "comfortable" lies of fear and the "dangers" of truth. I can choose, and I am. (Fear started working once I wrote that, challenging and shaming me for trying to speak and know truth. Voracious bastard)
3rd listening day
I woke up, and fear is trying to win this morning. I could have gotten up immediately, but fear spoke up, reminding me (or just telling me) how much of a failure I am. Or how I'd feel if I tried and failed.
Additionally, its strongest point (which has been successful many times) was my fear was familiar, meaning it's safe. I'm slowly seeing and feeling the major lie in this, but fear still works to cloud my thinking on this. If fear's plan A doesn't work, plan B (or C, D...) is used, until I'm completely unaware my mind has been hijacked once again. I didn't get up until almost 2 snoozes later.
I went to bed last night imagining living without fear, so a battle has ensued for a version of truth I'll accept. But damn, living without the constant chains of fear is so damn wanted.
And on that point, I'm slowly seeing how much choosing I'm doing. In my early days of using subs (2016), I thought the subs were doing all the work, and I was just passively following. I was afraid to fail, and fear steered me this way and that. I'd been doing this for decades.
But I'm being embued with a sense of power by my choosing between the "comfortable" lies of fear and the "dangers" of truth. I can choose, and I am. (Fear started working once I wrote that, challenging and shaming me for trying to speak and know truth. Voracious bastard)
I want to be FREE!
