Feb. 26, 2023
2nd listening day
E5 is definitely working on me, making me feel and believe I'm worthless lately. For me, this isn't new or shocking. My life has been steered by feeling unworthy of love, much less self-love. I think E5's just working on it now, in force. Thank God.
I listened to ultrasonic yesterday for the first time yesterday, and it felt quiet in me most of the 4 hours. However, somewhere around hour 3 I suddenly was hit with a sad feeling, and I cried some. No clear connections, but I've had stronger desires for relationships (my family and friends). Something was healing in me yesterday, and it's still working in me.
To share another new awareness 15 minutes back, I pulled up a movie to watch, but listening to my heart, I felt pulled here to be honest. So I came here instead. Here's what was different: when I imagined sharing my heart, I immediately distanced myself so I could feel safe. Often times I'm already pulled back, so I write quickly before fear finds its bearings and reignites a mental war with myself. It's trying to keep me "safe", but "safe" feels like hell, so I'm pursuing true hope and healing instead.
That war is resuming in my head and heart now. (That right there is why it takes me 30 minutes to write a 5-minute message.) I tend to lock up as inner fear fights to hang on. It's moments like now when I often turn to victim thinking. "Poor me....." I just saw this in me, so I'm sharing it. Victim thinking was used heavily when around people--and I'm remembering my early 20's right now. i'd met some guys, and 3 of us rented a house together. They felt like brothers to me. Old fears continually tried to rise, so I distanced my heart some--while also grieving something. I wanted to overwrite or demolish my actual memories with an illusion of a "perfect family". The grieving came on since I was trying to sweep away parts of myself. I ended up feeling helpless to my fears. And it bred a powerlessness in me, like I "needed" help from others. The manipulation is what pisses me off. Someday, oh someday this will not run my life.
I am still trying to do this, mostly when fear screams at me. However, I'm finding I don't make my best choices when I'm afraid. The mental and emotional maturity are kicking in and helping me make saner decsions, one by one.
This is a good day.
Edit: I felt a rush of shame the instant I posted this. I considered erasing it so I'd not be in conflict with myself. That shame is why I've hidden from countless life challenges, which means this affects me each and every day. BTW, I found IML in 2016 since I was seeking subliminals to deal with shame. I bought and used OGSF 5G for a spell.
2nd listening day
E5 is definitely working on me, making me feel and believe I'm worthless lately. For me, this isn't new or shocking. My life has been steered by feeling unworthy of love, much less self-love. I think E5's just working on it now, in force. Thank God.
I listened to ultrasonic yesterday for the first time yesterday, and it felt quiet in me most of the 4 hours. However, somewhere around hour 3 I suddenly was hit with a sad feeling, and I cried some. No clear connections, but I've had stronger desires for relationships (my family and friends). Something was healing in me yesterday, and it's still working in me.
To share another new awareness 15 minutes back, I pulled up a movie to watch, but listening to my heart, I felt pulled here to be honest. So I came here instead. Here's what was different: when I imagined sharing my heart, I immediately distanced myself so I could feel safe. Often times I'm already pulled back, so I write quickly before fear finds its bearings and reignites a mental war with myself. It's trying to keep me "safe", but "safe" feels like hell, so I'm pursuing true hope and healing instead.
That war is resuming in my head and heart now. (That right there is why it takes me 30 minutes to write a 5-minute message.) I tend to lock up as inner fear fights to hang on. It's moments like now when I often turn to victim thinking. "Poor me....." I just saw this in me, so I'm sharing it. Victim thinking was used heavily when around people--and I'm remembering my early 20's right now. i'd met some guys, and 3 of us rented a house together. They felt like brothers to me. Old fears continually tried to rise, so I distanced my heart some--while also grieving something. I wanted to overwrite or demolish my actual memories with an illusion of a "perfect family". The grieving came on since I was trying to sweep away parts of myself. I ended up feeling helpless to my fears. And it bred a powerlessness in me, like I "needed" help from others. The manipulation is what pisses me off. Someday, oh someday this will not run my life.
I am still trying to do this, mostly when fear screams at me. However, I'm finding I don't make my best choices when I'm afraid. The mental and emotional maturity are kicking in and helping me make saner decsions, one by one.
This is a good day.
Edit: I felt a rush of shame the instant I posted this. I considered erasing it so I'd not be in conflict with myself. That shame is why I've hidden from countless life challenges, which means this affects me each and every day. BTW, I found IML in 2016 since I was seeking subliminals to deal with shame. I bought and used OGSF 5G for a spell.
I want to be FREE!
