Feb. 23, 2023 (cont.)
I've had this lingering melancholy in me most of the day, and it was on my mind a bit.
(just had an awareness pop up)
This morning I admitted to trying to have people like me and think well of me, and damn...... I don't treat myself with self-like and love. Every single time I come here, I come with hopes and weak expectations of someone else liking me.
I'm seeing myself in a boxing ring, and I'm sitting on my butt, exhausted and feeling defeated from my last attempt at acquiring someone else's esteem of me. I see another form of myself, just outside the ring, but he's doing what I'm doing here: trying to be and look right so he'll be loved. His attention is always on other's perception of him. The guy in the ring is the little me inside (trying) to do it all alone. This is only done by putting up WALLS to REALITY. Not being free and spontaneous. And the me on the outside doesn't want to face the reality that he's living for something so entirely fickle as acceptance by others. That's he's abandoned and purposely ignored his other parts, playing a life-sucking game with others. But he's afraid he'll be abandoned again, so he ignores the memories of past pain any way he can find. That's why he's ignoring little me. Others can see this, and they know they can only help so much, or it'd suck them dry.
That's all me. A hurt me who feels abandoned, and a hurt me jumping from this distraction to that one, day in and day out. Yeah, I'm bummed today. E5's been digging up crap, and I'm putting a lot of effort to avoid it. I feel scared and in pain. I can't find my normal escapes, as they're not working at all.
I want to grieve physically. Fear's been holding it back.
(Another revelation came): I'm used to waiting, desiring, and hoping. Taking action was never on my to-do list. It was a very passive, (safe) approach.
I'm thinking of something I did 6 years back on E2, and it helped. To open myself for Step 4 (I was doing a 12-step study) I drove to my old elementary school, and I walked back to our old home (major traumas there), about a 2-mile distance each way. I had a notebook, and I wrote every name that came to mind: old friends, teachers, neighbors, church members, anybody at all. While doing that, I grieved since each person had their own related or unrelated experiences with me. So I felt a lot. And the walking helped work out the stress.
I thought it was the dumbest (meaning most demanding) assignment I'd taken on in 12-step work. However, it healed me a bit since I'd done it. Going through the 4 mile walk (since I had to walk back to my car) allowed me to loosen up a lot of resisted truths.
I'll admit that even now and in the last few minutes, I'm trying to not remember this. Since I faced a whole lot of uncomfortable feelings doing that walk.
Am I willing to do this again? Thinking about it never changed anything. It only created more fears. Doing it was the victory.
I've had this lingering melancholy in me most of the day, and it was on my mind a bit.
(just had an awareness pop up)
This morning I admitted to trying to have people like me and think well of me, and damn...... I don't treat myself with self-like and love. Every single time I come here, I come with hopes and weak expectations of someone else liking me.
I'm seeing myself in a boxing ring, and I'm sitting on my butt, exhausted and feeling defeated from my last attempt at acquiring someone else's esteem of me. I see another form of myself, just outside the ring, but he's doing what I'm doing here: trying to be and look right so he'll be loved. His attention is always on other's perception of him. The guy in the ring is the little me inside (trying) to do it all alone. This is only done by putting up WALLS to REALITY. Not being free and spontaneous. And the me on the outside doesn't want to face the reality that he's living for something so entirely fickle as acceptance by others. That's he's abandoned and purposely ignored his other parts, playing a life-sucking game with others. But he's afraid he'll be abandoned again, so he ignores the memories of past pain any way he can find. That's why he's ignoring little me. Others can see this, and they know they can only help so much, or it'd suck them dry.
That's all me. A hurt me who feels abandoned, and a hurt me jumping from this distraction to that one, day in and day out. Yeah, I'm bummed today. E5's been digging up crap, and I'm putting a lot of effort to avoid it. I feel scared and in pain. I can't find my normal escapes, as they're not working at all.
I want to grieve physically. Fear's been holding it back.
(Another revelation came): I'm used to waiting, desiring, and hoping. Taking action was never on my to-do list. It was a very passive, (safe) approach.
I'm thinking of something I did 6 years back on E2, and it helped. To open myself for Step 4 (I was doing a 12-step study) I drove to my old elementary school, and I walked back to our old home (major traumas there), about a 2-mile distance each way. I had a notebook, and I wrote every name that came to mind: old friends, teachers, neighbors, church members, anybody at all. While doing that, I grieved since each person had their own related or unrelated experiences with me. So I felt a lot. And the walking helped work out the stress.
I thought it was the dumbest (meaning most demanding) assignment I'd taken on in 12-step work. However, it healed me a bit since I'd done it. Going through the 4 mile walk (since I had to walk back to my car) allowed me to loosen up a lot of resisted truths.
I'll admit that even now and in the last few minutes, I'm trying to not remember this. Since I faced a whole lot of uncomfortable feelings doing that walk.
Am I willing to do this again? Thinking about it never changed anything. It only created more fears. Doing it was the victory.
I want to be FREE!
