02-13-2023, 04:34 PM
And based on the truths of that video, I realized that that's why I write here so often: I'm trying to give of myself and build relationships.
And unfortunately, simultaneously my mind tries to "protect" me by raising fears, both of realities and of very unlikely possibilities, and I very often sabotage a healthy relationship. My mind plays the damndest tricks on me--since it's worked to keep me "safe".
Today wasn't crisis-laden and filled with major events. It was the smaller ones I'm airing so I'll be aware of them. It took me until noon to get out the door, after waking up around 6:30. Some part of me saw nothing (and continuously sees nothing) but failure when out in public. When I'm out, I could lift my eyes up to see people as they are. But I see failure in myself, I assume everyone else sees it, so I try to hide while out being around people. I mention this since I can admit to doing this every single day in any atmosphere. Work is a little easier, but facing strangers and imagined rejection holds me back.
I found myself stalling before leaving, allowing myself to be hijacked by this, that, or whatever so I didn't focus on my fear. I began equating leaving the house with experiencing failure.
And what's strange and beautiful is when I'm out in public, I know giving of myself (holding a door, smiling to people, etc.) fills me. Whenever I give some away, I always feel it back. I was mixed today since in the big spaces (Walmart, for ex.) I focused on just myself mostly. I still found ways to be considerate by allowing people (some in their own realities) to walk past me in tight spaces. But me avoiding glances and looks of appreciation kept me slightly unfilled emotionally. It was like I kept closing down little exchanges. Maybe I was doing exactly what I'd been imagining? That sounds very possible. I wasn't esteeming myself.
I do have to go out again tomorrow. Same issues, same fears, same avoidance tactics still influencing me. Thankfully, I restart loops again tomorrow. I'll let it do its work because I'm allowing pain to grow.
But this is me presently. I need to accept myself, faults and all. I want to. Doing so is new though. Here's hoping I'll get a push or a reminder.
And unfortunately, simultaneously my mind tries to "protect" me by raising fears, both of realities and of very unlikely possibilities, and I very often sabotage a healthy relationship. My mind plays the damndest tricks on me--since it's worked to keep me "safe".
Today wasn't crisis-laden and filled with major events. It was the smaller ones I'm airing so I'll be aware of them. It took me until noon to get out the door, after waking up around 6:30. Some part of me saw nothing (and continuously sees nothing) but failure when out in public. When I'm out, I could lift my eyes up to see people as they are. But I see failure in myself, I assume everyone else sees it, so I try to hide while out being around people. I mention this since I can admit to doing this every single day in any atmosphere. Work is a little easier, but facing strangers and imagined rejection holds me back.
I found myself stalling before leaving, allowing myself to be hijacked by this, that, or whatever so I didn't focus on my fear. I began equating leaving the house with experiencing failure.
And what's strange and beautiful is when I'm out in public, I know giving of myself (holding a door, smiling to people, etc.) fills me. Whenever I give some away, I always feel it back. I was mixed today since in the big spaces (Walmart, for ex.) I focused on just myself mostly. I still found ways to be considerate by allowing people (some in their own realities) to walk past me in tight spaces. But me avoiding glances and looks of appreciation kept me slightly unfilled emotionally. It was like I kept closing down little exchanges. Maybe I was doing exactly what I'd been imagining? That sounds very possible. I wasn't esteeming myself.
I do have to go out again tomorrow. Same issues, same fears, same avoidance tactics still influencing me. Thankfully, I restart loops again tomorrow. I'll let it do its work because I'm allowing pain to grow.
But this is me presently. I need to accept myself, faults and all. I want to. Doing so is new though. Here's hoping I'll get a push or a reminder.
I want to be FREE!
