02-01-2023, 04:24 PM
Feb. 1, 2023
Cycle 1, Day 3
I had an interaction at the end of my workday which still has me spinning. Some others just began OGSF 5.9, and this scenario hit me with guilt, shame, and fear directly. I'm staying on E5 though.
I just spent a 3rd day working for a man who's out sick, and we worked later than normal. We didn't finish everything, and my driver was telling our one female manager he was bothered since we didn't finish.
I was just finishing signing out, and the female manager gave me that blaming look, which made me feel shame. I never said anything, but I purposely don't interact with her since she's always holding a verbal dagger in her hand. I easily owned her shaming, doing it automatically, like it was "my fault", though I worked my ass off. It wasn't my fault.
She didn't ask what we faced, she just threw blame. She pissed me off, but it took a few minutes once I'd vacated.
This saddens me, scares me (since it's like a weak spot in my emotional armor)--and it instantly reminded me of my mom. Always blaming, always shaming. All I ever wanted was love. And just like today, I'd agree with her accusations, hoping she'd love me because I agreed with her. This never happened. Ever. My mom was emotionally unwell, and this childhood experience still has me feeling vulnerable and weak.
I thought I should share this for my own sake. I was hit low, and I quickly flashed back to believing I was bad, unloveable, and unwanted. That's what was rough.
_____________________________________________________________________________
And a bit of hope just came to me. Tomorrow starts my rest days, and I usually bloom on my rest days. I'll see what happens blooming on E5
Cycle 1, Day 3
I had an interaction at the end of my workday which still has me spinning. Some others just began OGSF 5.9, and this scenario hit me with guilt, shame, and fear directly. I'm staying on E5 though.
I just spent a 3rd day working for a man who's out sick, and we worked later than normal. We didn't finish everything, and my driver was telling our one female manager he was bothered since we didn't finish.
I was just finishing signing out, and the female manager gave me that blaming look, which made me feel shame. I never said anything, but I purposely don't interact with her since she's always holding a verbal dagger in her hand. I easily owned her shaming, doing it automatically, like it was "my fault", though I worked my ass off. It wasn't my fault.
She didn't ask what we faced, she just threw blame. She pissed me off, but it took a few minutes once I'd vacated.
This saddens me, scares me (since it's like a weak spot in my emotional armor)--and it instantly reminded me of my mom. Always blaming, always shaming. All I ever wanted was love. And just like today, I'd agree with her accusations, hoping she'd love me because I agreed with her. This never happened. Ever. My mom was emotionally unwell, and this childhood experience still has me feeling vulnerable and weak.
I thought I should share this for my own sake. I was hit low, and I quickly flashed back to believing I was bad, unloveable, and unwanted. That's what was rough.
_____________________________________________________________________________
And a bit of hope just came to me. Tomorrow starts my rest days, and I usually bloom on my rest days. I'll see what happens blooming on E5
I want to be FREE!
