Like a week or so ago I was in this weird limbo with fear and it felt like I made no progress and my brain was tense. These past few days have been momentous in my journey. I think it has to do in large part to me changing my listening patterns.
I am now doing:
2 days on 2 days off, 13/16 Iphone, 5 loops. I’ve got an urge to listen at 14 or 15/16 but I’m going to wait till next cycle cause I want to make sure they’re really auto-config.
One of the big realizations I had was about my sexuality. (Side not: I’m finding I’m not as tempted to escape with porn anymore and after that first relapse it’s been easy to not watch anymore) I don’t think I’ve ever been sexually exploited as a child, but I had trauma from my mother and society who constantly warned me, sometimes in disgusting detail, what some old pervert might do to me. I think this, along with the fact my mom and society taught me “sex is wrong” , is what has made me so afraid of sex. I didn’t even know the first one was affecting me until I had a disturbing dream I don’t want to describe here.
But the point is that this was affecting me almost as if I had been sexually traumatized by someone. No wonder I resisted SM so hard and not AM. I didn’t want to be a “scary pervert” who is “a weirdo who exploits people” for “selfish pleasure”.
And I’m kind of mad that now that I want to journal I can’t remember any of the other major breakthroughs I’ve had recently ):<. But rest assured that there’s some major breakthroughs happening and evidence of future breakthroughs in the making. I actually can’t wait because OF is likely going to change my life forever, and more than any subliminal that I’ve used before in my 7 years here.
I am now doing:
2 days on 2 days off, 13/16 Iphone, 5 loops. I’ve got an urge to listen at 14 or 15/16 but I’m going to wait till next cycle cause I want to make sure they’re really auto-config.
One of the big realizations I had was about my sexuality. (Side not: I’m finding I’m not as tempted to escape with porn anymore and after that first relapse it’s been easy to not watch anymore) I don’t think I’ve ever been sexually exploited as a child, but I had trauma from my mother and society who constantly warned me, sometimes in disgusting detail, what some old pervert might do to me. I think this, along with the fact my mom and society taught me “sex is wrong” , is what has made me so afraid of sex. I didn’t even know the first one was affecting me until I had a disturbing dream I don’t want to describe here.
But the point is that this was affecting me almost as if I had been sexually traumatized by someone. No wonder I resisted SM so hard and not AM. I didn’t want to be a “scary pervert” who is “a weirdo who exploits people” for “selfish pleasure”.
And I’m kind of mad that now that I want to journal I can’t remember any of the other major breakthroughs I’ve had recently ):<. But rest assured that there’s some major breakthroughs happening and evidence of future breakthroughs in the making. I actually can’t wait because OF is likely going to change my life forever, and more than any subliminal that I’ve used before in my 7 years here.
