06-27-2022, 03:19 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-27-2022, 03:29 AM by Kol.
Edit Reason: Added text
)
Monday june 27- 2 loops masked trickling stream.
Last couple of days where brutal. Dealing with resentment, betrayal, anger, rage, violent impulses.. now im sorta good, but my fuse is still very short. 1 thing can have it go from a zero to 100 in a splitsecond. There is also guilt, loathing even I guess. Guilt, yes, loathing? Inclined to say yes. It brought on some sense of "completely losing my shit" like trauma. The whole dream vibe, derealisation qualities.
This morning I had a call, related to the former post, and they brought something up that did set me off once again. I cussed them out, the woman on the phone told me "this aint an discussion" I didnt take it any longer. She called back to tell me green light has been given. I thanked her, yet noticed a sense of manipulation and detachment from me.
I have a lot of anger in my system. And I mean A LOT. The type of anger that turns inward and brings up guilt, programming, conditioning. am I entitled? One of my mentors, by his aura alone, has me more humbled. The anger, the emotions im working through seem almost permanent at times, never ending cycle of getting triggered and flip off like my mind wont shut off and keep replaying.
I slacked on gratitude practice, but these things, these waves of anger, keep coming having me go "fuck it" it feels fake to front now. Fronting, denying, supressing, ignoring.
Im sorta worried about the stress levels it brings. Im getting headaches, actually feel it poisoning me. Im trying to get in touch with these parts, the anger and rage. To find relief, but find myself attached to the rage, ironically. Guess it has to do with a sense of powerlessness, apathy. Like a doormat.
It has me drawn to watching documentaries. Jeffrey dahmer, ted bundy, richard ramirez. Probably because it is the polar opposite. And weirdly enough, there is a resonance. Part of me wonder what it is like. Maybe I got bpd, I dont know. Definitely some childhood trauma.
I just want to stop giving a fuck and simply live. Im done feeling fake. Im done feeling myself invalidating, as if striving to be toothless is something to strive for. Then again, maybe im attached to suffering because it gives a sense of validation and being special.
The whole entitlement thing, going about what needs to be done, it brings rage and homicidal impulses to the forefront. At times I wonder if Im going to really snap and if it would be better to be behind bars, because it is tempting. I dont even want to adress it. Why? Because I despise being conformist and weak. Attachment. Hack the system. Its there fir a reason.
Last couple of days where brutal. Dealing with resentment, betrayal, anger, rage, violent impulses.. now im sorta good, but my fuse is still very short. 1 thing can have it go from a zero to 100 in a splitsecond. There is also guilt, loathing even I guess. Guilt, yes, loathing? Inclined to say yes. It brought on some sense of "completely losing my shit" like trauma. The whole dream vibe, derealisation qualities.
This morning I had a call, related to the former post, and they brought something up that did set me off once again. I cussed them out, the woman on the phone told me "this aint an discussion" I didnt take it any longer. She called back to tell me green light has been given. I thanked her, yet noticed a sense of manipulation and detachment from me.
I have a lot of anger in my system. And I mean A LOT. The type of anger that turns inward and brings up guilt, programming, conditioning. am I entitled? One of my mentors, by his aura alone, has me more humbled. The anger, the emotions im working through seem almost permanent at times, never ending cycle of getting triggered and flip off like my mind wont shut off and keep replaying.
I slacked on gratitude practice, but these things, these waves of anger, keep coming having me go "fuck it" it feels fake to front now. Fronting, denying, supressing, ignoring.
Im sorta worried about the stress levels it brings. Im getting headaches, actually feel it poisoning me. Im trying to get in touch with these parts, the anger and rage. To find relief, but find myself attached to the rage, ironically. Guess it has to do with a sense of powerlessness, apathy. Like a doormat.
It has me drawn to watching documentaries. Jeffrey dahmer, ted bundy, richard ramirez. Probably because it is the polar opposite. And weirdly enough, there is a resonance. Part of me wonder what it is like. Maybe I got bpd, I dont know. Definitely some childhood trauma.
I just want to stop giving a fuck and simply live. Im done feeling fake. Im done feeling myself invalidating, as if striving to be toothless is something to strive for. Then again, maybe im attached to suffering because it gives a sense of validation and being special.
The whole entitlement thing, going about what needs to be done, it brings rage and homicidal impulses to the forefront. At times I wonder if Im going to really snap and if it would be better to be behind bars, because it is tempting. I dont even want to adress it. Why? Because I despise being conformist and weak. Attachment. Hack the system. Its there fir a reason.
The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths. - epictetus
