04-27-2022, 04:22 AM
(This post was last modified: 04-27-2022, 04:35 AM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
I still have much healing left to do. I keep vacillating between feeling like I'm finally moving on from past incidents that caused immense pain and feeling like I'm still stuck in the energy of them and in pain. or more like depression.
Shannon is right though. I investigate the part of me that doesn't want to forgive and I think that part of me doesn't want to forgive because the act of forgiveness ITSELF feels like letting someone mistreat me. Like validating that what they did was okay and acceptable, when I know it's not. I think we hold onto grudges because forgiving feels like validating that we don't deserve better.
It's hard to get around that.
And on the other hand, there's just this immense feeling of push/pull in so many different directions. I feel like I can't enjoy anything because anything I desire I also desire the opposite of and I can't get any pleasure out of anything now.
I hate it.
Shannon is right though. I investigate the part of me that doesn't want to forgive and I think that part of me doesn't want to forgive because the act of forgiveness ITSELF feels like letting someone mistreat me. Like validating that what they did was okay and acceptable, when I know it's not. I think we hold onto grudges because forgiving feels like validating that we don't deserve better.
It's hard to get around that.
And on the other hand, there's just this immense feeling of push/pull in so many different directions. I feel like I can't enjoy anything because anything I desire I also desire the opposite of and I can't get any pleasure out of anything now.
I hate it.
