02-09-2022, 12:20 PM
So I didn't have time to update yesterday, but on day 7, I had forgotten to stop playing the sub at night and played it one more night than optimal. I will try to balance this out with one more night off, and only 5 days on once I get past the days off period. Then it'll be back to the recommended usage. This was not an attempt at sabotage, just me forgetting and messing up once. I wasn't used to the rhythm of this on/off cycle. I'll get better at it.
For the past couple of days, I've been dealing with heavy emotions. Mostly deep seated anger and resentment, along with emotional pain it's all connected to. Narcissistic issues regarding self worth and the feeling of needing to earn love and validation. I recognize this ultimately comes from within first and is reflected in the world around me second. We live in the world we believe in after all. But recognizing something consciously and recognizing it subconciously are two different things. I know it's really myself I'm angry at for treating myself this way, but also I still feel angry.
I am torn up between differing philosophies about how to handle it and distrusting all my own stances as being possibly rooted in very unhealthy places.
I would like to strive and dedicate myself towards some sort of higher purpose that benefits the world, but struggle to come up with a clear vision for what that purpose would be. I know I need to though. It's the only way I'll find my sense of self worth independently of others. But what is my mission? What do I want it to be? How can it benefit others? I know I want to be creative and make music and whatnot, as well as run my own business and make money. But I also want to do something that provides tangible, real world concrete results that benefit some higher value for myself and others. I struggle to see the service towards any but myself in many of my ambitions.
For the past couple of days, I've been dealing with heavy emotions. Mostly deep seated anger and resentment, along with emotional pain it's all connected to. Narcissistic issues regarding self worth and the feeling of needing to earn love and validation. I recognize this ultimately comes from within first and is reflected in the world around me second. We live in the world we believe in after all. But recognizing something consciously and recognizing it subconciously are two different things. I know it's really myself I'm angry at for treating myself this way, but also I still feel angry.
I am torn up between differing philosophies about how to handle it and distrusting all my own stances as being possibly rooted in very unhealthy places.
I would like to strive and dedicate myself towards some sort of higher purpose that benefits the world, but struggle to come up with a clear vision for what that purpose would be. I know I need to though. It's the only way I'll find my sense of self worth independently of others. But what is my mission? What do I want it to be? How can it benefit others? I know I want to be creative and make music and whatnot, as well as run my own business and make money. But I also want to do something that provides tangible, real world concrete results that benefit some higher value for myself and others. I struggle to see the service towards any but myself in many of my ambitions.
