The Self Actualized - OF V3 5.75G

[SaltyMeatballs]

Day 41 - REST

Today was a shitty day once again. In the morning I struggled to get out of bed. It got to the point where I had to watch David Goggin's motivational video. I'm more depressed than usual. I struggle to think and my memory recall is jacked. Its as if my mind is malfunctioning.

I worked from my mates flat which gave me a slight productivity boost. For most of the morning I didn't feel like talking. I got swallowed into the abyss of my own mind, ruminating, overthinking and self loathing. My mate asked me what was wrong, I told him that I don't want to talk about it. I was afraid of being vulnerable because I thought that I would be perceived as weak. I felt alot of emotions build up at that point ready to explode. I managed to keep it in somehow, got my head down and continued working.

After lunch, the inner critic got quieter but still persisted at a low level. Over the last 2-3 weeks I have noticed more and more negative self talk. Even some suicidal thoughts slip in here and there. Yet, I simply observe and watch it pass away. On LTU5 negative thoughts were rare, and if they did occur I could easily dismiss them. LTU6 less so. On OF, they seem to persist more.

Here are some repeating thought patterns I have noticed:

• Not clever / smart enough
• Too lazy or weak to be able to accomplish anything
• I am too afraid / scared
• Wont be able to live a good life without a clear vision / purpose
• Its going to take too much time / effort to accomplish xyz
• Just simply not good enough
• Its too hard
• Because x happened in the past, I cannot do y now or in the future.

Sorry to hear that man. Hope you can let yourself talk about stuff like that sometime, often friends are more supportive than what one image in your head.

The things you mention seems very much like you have a defined way of how things "should" be in your head, and you're making yourself feel bad for not being on par with your expectations. I've been there as well, and can tell you that those things are worth horseshit if you can't feel good about yourself right here and now. The idea of doing stuff just to achieve some kind of expectation on yourself/life will always let you down if not backed up by a stable sense of that things are totally fine as they are right now. 

So when you get dragged into those thoughts, switch your focus to the present moment and let yourself know that things are good as they are, and you are doing what you can to make your situation better, and that is well enough and that whatever you are feeling is totally valid, whatever the feeling is. And that you are allowed to express that feeling to others, and if those "friends" mock you for expressing the feeling you are better of without them.

Thanks for your post. I agree with what you have said but trying to stay in the present is extremely tough for me sometimes. When I am filled with rage, anxiety or sadness, the last thing I want to do is turn inwards, introspect or feel into the emotions. Lately, the voice in my head has been louder than ever and I wish I could shut that thing up. It never stops talking down on me. There is always something "wrong" about me or the present through the lens of my mind. How do I love myself? How can I embrace what is without trying to change or manipulate it?