11-10-2021, 11:52 AM
Day 41 - REST
Today was a shitty day once again. In the morning I struggled to get out of bed. It got to the point where I had to watch David Goggin's motivational video. I'm more depressed than usual. I struggle to think and my memory recall is jacked. Its as if my mind is malfunctioning.
I worked from my mates flat which gave me a slight productivity boost. For most of the morning I didn't feel like talking. I got swallowed into the abyss of my own mind, ruminating, overthinking and self loathing. My mate asked me what was wrong, I told him that I don't want to talk about it. I was afraid of being vulnerable because I thought that I would be perceived as weak. I felt alot of emotions build up at that point ready to explode. I managed to keep it in somehow, got my head down and continued working.
After lunch, the inner critic got quieter but still persisted at a low level. Over the last 2-3 weeks I have noticed more and more negative self talk. Even some suicidal thoughts slip in here and there. Yet, I simply observe and watch it pass away. On LTU5 negative thoughts were rare, and if they did occur I could easily dismiss them. LTU6 less so. On OF, they seem to persist more.
Here are some repeating thought patterns I have noticed:
• Not clever / smart enough
• Too lazy or weak to be able to accomplish anything
• I am too afraid / scared
• Wont be able to live a good life without a clear vision / purpose
• Its going to take too much time / effort to accomplish xyz
• Just simply not good enough
• Its too hard
• Because x happened in the past, I cannot do y now or in the future.
Today was a shitty day once again. In the morning I struggled to get out of bed. It got to the point where I had to watch David Goggin's motivational video. I'm more depressed than usual. I struggle to think and my memory recall is jacked. Its as if my mind is malfunctioning.
I worked from my mates flat which gave me a slight productivity boost. For most of the morning I didn't feel like talking. I got swallowed into the abyss of my own mind, ruminating, overthinking and self loathing. My mate asked me what was wrong, I told him that I don't want to talk about it. I was afraid of being vulnerable because I thought that I would be perceived as weak. I felt alot of emotions build up at that point ready to explode. I managed to keep it in somehow, got my head down and continued working.
After lunch, the inner critic got quieter but still persisted at a low level. Over the last 2-3 weeks I have noticed more and more negative self talk. Even some suicidal thoughts slip in here and there. Yet, I simply observe and watch it pass away. On LTU5 negative thoughts were rare, and if they did occur I could easily dismiss them. LTU6 less so. On OF, they seem to persist more.
Here are some repeating thought patterns I have noticed:
• Not clever / smart enough
• Too lazy or weak to be able to accomplish anything
• I am too afraid / scared
• Wont be able to live a good life without a clear vision / purpose
• Its going to take too much time / effort to accomplish xyz
• Just simply not good enough
• Its too hard
• Because x happened in the past, I cannot do y now or in the future.
