11-04-2021, 09:28 PM
Currently running E5 for a bit while waiting for DMSI though i given the results I have thought of just running this a bit longer even if it comes out. Since I'm not sure if I will continue after DMSI comes out I rather not open another thread so i will just post this here. I think out of all the posts I have ever made this will probably be the most important to date honestly.
The short of it is I have become what E5 intended more or less. Its interesting I already felt the fear, guilt, shame and trauma slowly dissolving but it was when I finally ran it this week that the dame broke as it were. Before that though a few days earlier I already knew the dame was going to break beforehand when I next did my playthrough of the sub. Essentially I was driving and I don't know why my mind suddenly went to it but as I was driving for my job and listening to music i finally felt it. Its hard to describe but its a kind of feeling I get whenever I experience either TID or there is some deep part of my subconscious that is being worked on. Its like this feeling of deep clarity.
This part will sound somewhat morbit but I realized I needed to die and I started to cry while driving. When i say die I don't mean really physically but it felt really, real to this part of my mind of. It was some kind of of existential realization of my own mortality staring me in the face and that this "death" was necessary in order for the "other" one to come. It was then i realized that the next time I played the sub (I felt it deeply) I would die. Something interesting happened though, I cried but at the same time I felt all of me within my mind to see it through. It felt it necessary and not only that honorable in a way. I was willing to sacrifice all that I am for he that I would become. Isn't that worth the sacrifice? isn't the version you see as what you want to become worth the sacrifice of all that you currently are?
This all seemed reasonable to me and in someway I felt proud of this decision. To sacrifice one's self for one's self. Most of all the hesitancy from this decision was gone and I knew the next time I was on cycle it would be no more and I was fine with this. Well earlier this week happened and it was true. Started playing the sub and automatically I just felt this dissolving of everything I was and I was willing to remove all that I was so that the new person could come into this world and more forward in my place. I guess I saw this this way because what I was vs what I would become was so blindly different from each other that they might as well be 2 different people.
I'm happy to say I am totally different now. There is an extreme amount of confidence and happiness in me. I know my former self when it felt happy would feel this kind of shame or guilt for feeling happy. Now I feel none of that while feeling joy and happiness. Basically all the junk has been removed, a new basis has been established and I have moved on. I still have memories from the past but its like I rarely think of them anymore and feel like I have no emotional connection to them anymore really. Feels like a totally different person. Fear, guilt and shame just really aren't there anymore. I know what this all was. This was the time where I made deliberate, really choice of my own free will. I felt it in the car that for once in my life I actually made a really, concrete decision based on my own will. Not based on the fears, shame and guilt my mother or society imposed on me. This has made me gain more appreciation for Shannon's work. In the aspect that he could easily use fear, guilt, or shame to get results with the subs but he hasn't. He hasn't gone the route that most of society uses to impose that on you. He is trying to reason with you to get you to make the decision yourself. For that i appreciate his efforts in this regards.
Its interesting that while in that car the few days earlier that I just knew that at this point I wasn't using my feelings or trying make myself "feel" like a changed person. It was a simple, deliberate, confidant choice to change at that point that my subconscious followed through on. I am confidant now beyond a shadow of a doubt now that any subs I run after this will work. The bases and foundation has been totally shifted and I willingly decided to sacrifice what I was in order to become what I wanted to be. I am completely satisfied with these results though I have noticed one thing. Since the fear , etc is gone I now need to find another way to motivate myself in certain things (my degree program right now is a good example of that). I also noticed there is such a severe level of comfort and relaxation that it just feels like my body and muscles feel very soft. Just constantly relaxed and not stressed at all. My mind feels the same way. Not a bad thing.. but it gives off this feeling of like being awake and having energy but also wanting to go to sleep at times. Like I could just lay down at anytime with no issue.
I would like to say also before this last cycle that one thing that was revealed to me as well was that the major thing getting in my way was that I wouldn't "believe". Like even if I got the results for a bit from a sub I would keep on doubting or fearing that the results wouldn't stay which then caused it to happen. I just wouldn't believe and then once this was pointed out to me I jumped a major hurdle which then led to me being able to totally reform the foundations of my thoughts.
Anyway, that's about it for now. I've basically more or less absorbed what E5 wanted me to become and I can say its been well worth it.
The short of it is I have become what E5 intended more or less. Its interesting I already felt the fear, guilt, shame and trauma slowly dissolving but it was when I finally ran it this week that the dame broke as it were. Before that though a few days earlier I already knew the dame was going to break beforehand when I next did my playthrough of the sub. Essentially I was driving and I don't know why my mind suddenly went to it but as I was driving for my job and listening to music i finally felt it. Its hard to describe but its a kind of feeling I get whenever I experience either TID or there is some deep part of my subconscious that is being worked on. Its like this feeling of deep clarity.
This part will sound somewhat morbit but I realized I needed to die and I started to cry while driving. When i say die I don't mean really physically but it felt really, real to this part of my mind of. It was some kind of of existential realization of my own mortality staring me in the face and that this "death" was necessary in order for the "other" one to come. It was then i realized that the next time I played the sub (I felt it deeply) I would die. Something interesting happened though, I cried but at the same time I felt all of me within my mind to see it through. It felt it necessary and not only that honorable in a way. I was willing to sacrifice all that I am for he that I would become. Isn't that worth the sacrifice? isn't the version you see as what you want to become worth the sacrifice of all that you currently are?
This all seemed reasonable to me and in someway I felt proud of this decision. To sacrifice one's self for one's self. Most of all the hesitancy from this decision was gone and I knew the next time I was on cycle it would be no more and I was fine with this. Well earlier this week happened and it was true. Started playing the sub and automatically I just felt this dissolving of everything I was and I was willing to remove all that I was so that the new person could come into this world and more forward in my place. I guess I saw this this way because what I was vs what I would become was so blindly different from each other that they might as well be 2 different people.
I'm happy to say I am totally different now. There is an extreme amount of confidence and happiness in me. I know my former self when it felt happy would feel this kind of shame or guilt for feeling happy. Now I feel none of that while feeling joy and happiness. Basically all the junk has been removed, a new basis has been established and I have moved on. I still have memories from the past but its like I rarely think of them anymore and feel like I have no emotional connection to them anymore really. Feels like a totally different person. Fear, guilt and shame just really aren't there anymore. I know what this all was. This was the time where I made deliberate, really choice of my own free will. I felt it in the car that for once in my life I actually made a really, concrete decision based on my own will. Not based on the fears, shame and guilt my mother or society imposed on me. This has made me gain more appreciation for Shannon's work. In the aspect that he could easily use fear, guilt, or shame to get results with the subs but he hasn't. He hasn't gone the route that most of society uses to impose that on you. He is trying to reason with you to get you to make the decision yourself. For that i appreciate his efforts in this regards.
Its interesting that while in that car the few days earlier that I just knew that at this point I wasn't using my feelings or trying make myself "feel" like a changed person. It was a simple, deliberate, confidant choice to change at that point that my subconscious followed through on. I am confidant now beyond a shadow of a doubt now that any subs I run after this will work. The bases and foundation has been totally shifted and I willingly decided to sacrifice what I was in order to become what I wanted to be. I am completely satisfied with these results though I have noticed one thing. Since the fear , etc is gone I now need to find another way to motivate myself in certain things (my degree program right now is a good example of that). I also noticed there is such a severe level of comfort and relaxation that it just feels like my body and muscles feel very soft. Just constantly relaxed and not stressed at all. My mind feels the same way. Not a bad thing.. but it gives off this feeling of like being awake and having energy but also wanting to go to sleep at times. Like I could just lay down at anytime with no issue.
I would like to say also before this last cycle that one thing that was revealed to me as well was that the major thing getting in my way was that I wouldn't "believe". Like even if I got the results for a bit from a sub I would keep on doubting or fearing that the results wouldn't stay which then caused it to happen. I just wouldn't believe and then once this was pointed out to me I jumped a major hurdle which then led to me being able to totally reform the foundations of my thoughts.
Anyway, that's about it for now. I've basically more or less absorbed what E5 wanted me to become and I can say its been well worth it.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
![[Image: 1604394-bigthumbnail.jpg]](https://cache.desktopnexus.com/thumbseg/1604/1604394-bigthumbnail.jpg)
