OFv3 - Dominant & Fearless

[GreekGod22]

Days 50 & 51 / 180 OFF | Day 52 /180 ON

4 loops Hybrid

Oscillating between hope and despair. In the morning, I will feel fine, and in the evening, I will feel crushed by life and hopeless.
Porn and masturbation are really kicking my self esteem and self worth in the gutter and leaves my body drained of energy. 

But I know that is not the cause, but the coping mechanism.
I get the urges usually after finishing a loop of OFv3.

I went to a party yesterday. While on a surface level, I felt fine, relaxed, no anxiety, at ease with myself, had confident body language, I found it very hard to be social, to express myself, to talk with anyone - either man or woman. Felt worse as the night progressed.
I began thinking how much fear can shape a personality. And they say after a certain age, your personality is very hard to change. This is an unpleasant realization.
It feels hard to let go of the image of being shy and timid.

I will be honest and say I don't really enjoy much of life, almost everything feels hopeless and pointless. And all of this is painful. My whole 20s have been like this, more or less.
I've put high hopes in OFv3. I want long-lasting change. If the sub is achieving that or not, I honestly have no clue. If it does, then it seems a very slow process