07-24-2021, 08:03 AM
Day 23 off
I'm angry, tired, disillusioned and defeated. This post has nothing to do with OF, I just wanna pour my issues somewhere and here is the best venue.
Today I saw on Facebook a post by that girl that has ghosted me. It showed that the issues that she had been dealing with at work came to pass and she succeeded. Not much more, just her alone showing the world she made it. And it made me disappointed that nevertheless she didn't contact me. I commented her post, messaged her and no response, as usual.
At this point I no longer hold any hope she will get in touch again. To be honest I thought I didn't care until I saw that photo. But seeing it made me angry. Not at her but at myself. I feel like I did something wrong. Even if I didn't offend her somehow or did anything to make her lose interest with me I feel it's my fault. I must have failed some cosmic law, there must be some imbalance I'm a cause of. And it's my fault. It is as obvious to me as anything else.
Which is damn funny come to think of it. I could "easily" accept my father's death without looking for reasons. I could also "easily" kick the love of my life out of it due to being a b***h. I've accepted so much bad things in my life with my stoicism. But this is triggering me? I've been rejected many times and only now I cannot accept it?
In all of this there is one voice, one message I come back to. I read it on the internet a couple days ago. "It's not about you". There is more to this story of the world than just me. Thus justifying things out of your control makes little sense. Still, in all that disappointment, if I am to blame myself at least I'd wish I knew what I did so that I will not repeat the mistake again.
I'm angry, tired, disillusioned and defeated. This post has nothing to do with OF, I just wanna pour my issues somewhere and here is the best venue.
Today I saw on Facebook a post by that girl that has ghosted me. It showed that the issues that she had been dealing with at work came to pass and she succeeded. Not much more, just her alone showing the world she made it. And it made me disappointed that nevertheless she didn't contact me. I commented her post, messaged her and no response, as usual.
At this point I no longer hold any hope she will get in touch again. To be honest I thought I didn't care until I saw that photo. But seeing it made me angry. Not at her but at myself. I feel like I did something wrong. Even if I didn't offend her somehow or did anything to make her lose interest with me I feel it's my fault. I must have failed some cosmic law, there must be some imbalance I'm a cause of. And it's my fault. It is as obvious to me as anything else.
Which is damn funny come to think of it. I could "easily" accept my father's death without looking for reasons. I could also "easily" kick the love of my life out of it due to being a b***h. I've accepted so much bad things in my life with my stoicism. But this is triggering me? I've been rejected many times and only now I cannot accept it?
In all of this there is one voice, one message I come back to. I read it on the internet a couple days ago. "It's not about you". There is more to this story of the world than just me. Thus justifying things out of your control makes little sense. Still, in all that disappointment, if I am to blame myself at least I'd wish I knew what I did so that I will not repeat the mistake again.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4