07-18-2021, 04:11 AM
Since I'd never kept a public v3 journal, leaving a quick epilogue for my v1-v3 journey in my v2 thread seems like the most natural way to cap off my OF run.
I'd spent 11 months on v1-v3. They were fine. Never felt completely fearless, but my goal was fear reduction, not action-movie psychology, superpowers, or bragging rights. Mostly, I'd felt calmer under stress, but more stressed under calm. Often seemed externally anxious while internally fine and externally fine while internally anxious. Yeah, it's contradictory (at least, superficially), but it's also zerosum, so I'm neither jumping for joy nor getting upset over it.
Did I change at all? I think so. Was it for the better? In some cases. Was it for the worse? If so, not exclusively. Were the changes all because of OF? OF wasn't the only influence on my life, and it'd insult the other aspects of my life to disregard them. But it'd seemed to make a significant contribution nonetheless.
What specifically changed? Well, imaginary outcomes appeared to be the common target during all 3 versions. On one hand, I've been less hindered by them. On the other, I've been so stuck in the rut of the present moment that I'm barely preparing for anything that isn't an imminent problem.
That's led to a lot of "flying by the seat of my pants" or "juggling plates" -- which isn't really the way that I like to do things. If I don't think about putting up a safety net until I'm already mid-plummet, I've waited too long to plan sensibly. Yeah, prioritizing today over tomorrow allows me to stay more aware of fleeting opportunities (or potholes) in the present, but it's equally gotten in the way of preparing for the future. So, by my count, yet another zerosum.
Several fears were either left untouched or only slightly improved. Further down the priority list, I'm guessing. I know myself far too well to declare complete fearlessness at each improvement and then re-declare it again and again, month after month, as if I don't know what "complete" means. Still more left to do.
Did I need more loops or days on? I really don't think so. I took very few days off, ran at higher-than-instructed loops in general, added even higher-loop days occasionally, and ran hybrid for most of all three OF versions. If anything, I probably should've given myself more days off than I'd taken.
Why not keep running OF for another year or three? Life. The pandemic delays were what afforded me any time to run OF at all. My highest priority right now is to overcome the health issue that's made my home uninhabitable to me for nearly 2 years. So, while I generously gave OF nearly a year that I didn't really have to spare, I've gone back to MHS. As originally planned, on schedule, not as an escape tactic or because anything sudden or unexpected forced my hand.
Unfortunately, even after a week's break from OF, MHS 5.75G was more turbulent than it'd been on my previous 2 runs. More time between subs was probably needed. A sub that had been blissful/comforting in 2020 has now become stressful/fear-inducing in 2021, and there's not even any FRM to stir up fear/stress.
So far, when compared to my previous MHS 5.75G runs, my 11-month OF run hasn't made my current MHS run into a "smoother ride" by any definition. And my previous MHS runs were staggeringly beneficial, so that's just weird. Every listening day on MHS now leads to wrecked sleep. That wasn't the case before.
For the moment, I'm chalking it up to inter-sub turbulence and just giving it some time.
I'd spent 11 months on v1-v3. They were fine. Never felt completely fearless, but my goal was fear reduction, not action-movie psychology, superpowers, or bragging rights. Mostly, I'd felt calmer under stress, but more stressed under calm. Often seemed externally anxious while internally fine and externally fine while internally anxious. Yeah, it's contradictory (at least, superficially), but it's also zerosum, so I'm neither jumping for joy nor getting upset over it.
Did I change at all? I think so. Was it for the better? In some cases. Was it for the worse? If so, not exclusively. Were the changes all because of OF? OF wasn't the only influence on my life, and it'd insult the other aspects of my life to disregard them. But it'd seemed to make a significant contribution nonetheless.
What specifically changed? Well, imaginary outcomes appeared to be the common target during all 3 versions. On one hand, I've been less hindered by them. On the other, I've been so stuck in the rut of the present moment that I'm barely preparing for anything that isn't an imminent problem.
That's led to a lot of "flying by the seat of my pants" or "juggling plates" -- which isn't really the way that I like to do things. If I don't think about putting up a safety net until I'm already mid-plummet, I've waited too long to plan sensibly. Yeah, prioritizing today over tomorrow allows me to stay more aware of fleeting opportunities (or potholes) in the present, but it's equally gotten in the way of preparing for the future. So, by my count, yet another zerosum.
Several fears were either left untouched or only slightly improved. Further down the priority list, I'm guessing. I know myself far too well to declare complete fearlessness at each improvement and then re-declare it again and again, month after month, as if I don't know what "complete" means. Still more left to do.
Did I need more loops or days on? I really don't think so. I took very few days off, ran at higher-than-instructed loops in general, added even higher-loop days occasionally, and ran hybrid for most of all three OF versions. If anything, I probably should've given myself more days off than I'd taken.
Why not keep running OF for another year or three? Life. The pandemic delays were what afforded me any time to run OF at all. My highest priority right now is to overcome the health issue that's made my home uninhabitable to me for nearly 2 years. So, while I generously gave OF nearly a year that I didn't really have to spare, I've gone back to MHS. As originally planned, on schedule, not as an escape tactic or because anything sudden or unexpected forced my hand.
Unfortunately, even after a week's break from OF, MHS 5.75G was more turbulent than it'd been on my previous 2 runs. More time between subs was probably needed. A sub that had been blissful/comforting in 2020 has now become stressful/fear-inducing in 2021, and there's not even any FRM to stir up fear/stress.
So far, when compared to my previous MHS 5.75G runs, my 11-month OF run hasn't made my current MHS run into a "smoother ride" by any definition. And my previous MHS runs were staggeringly beneficial, so that's just weird. Every listening day on MHS now leads to wrecked sleep. That wasn't the case before.
For the moment, I'm chalking it up to inter-sub turbulence and just giving it some time.
