07-04-2021, 09:44 AM
Day 3 cont.
It's my second attempt at an update. The mental fog turned into uneasiness. This may well be because of coming Monday and needing to get to work. Or maybe because my flatmate finally moved out leaving some leftover booze in the fridge and while throwing her stuff while cleaning I decided it should not go to waste. It amounted only for 1, maybe 2 shots, not enough to get drunk but I can feel it in myself. Something shifted, something's wrong.
I really wonder what will happen tomorrow. It will be my first off day and there is some work to be done. Thankfully the work is not overwhelming so if need be I can take a day off the work as well. On Friday it was easy enough to concentrate, but I'm worried how I'll manage after some more exposure.
The urge to listen some more is still strong and still feels like an itch to scrap a scab. It's easy enough to fight but it's interesting that it's there. I think it stems from my willingness to go the extra mile to get the results quicker and easier. The crap that's going on in my head right now is prove enough sub is doing something but it's so early to really say. To be honest I expect in a couple of week/months to say something like "Wow, I didn't realize until it happened but fear is gone".
I'm especially curious how fear removal will work for my masturbation habits. I think it's undeniable that these habits are 100% stemming from fear of relationships and commitments. Why look for a partner when I can jerk off? These past days I've had less urge but when I had it was more... violent. Like I either dismiss urge outright as not worth my time when I get triggered by something of the internet or I have an urge to go for the worst fetishes I'm familiar with for some reason. Clearly there's a resistance to keep me down at work here. Either this or a misguided attempt at looking for a catharsis, a emotional release.
It's my second attempt at an update. The mental fog turned into uneasiness. This may well be because of coming Monday and needing to get to work. Or maybe because my flatmate finally moved out leaving some leftover booze in the fridge and while throwing her stuff while cleaning I decided it should not go to waste. It amounted only for 1, maybe 2 shots, not enough to get drunk but I can feel it in myself. Something shifted, something's wrong.
I really wonder what will happen tomorrow. It will be my first off day and there is some work to be done. Thankfully the work is not overwhelming so if need be I can take a day off the work as well. On Friday it was easy enough to concentrate, but I'm worried how I'll manage after some more exposure.
The urge to listen some more is still strong and still feels like an itch to scrap a scab. It's easy enough to fight but it's interesting that it's there. I think it stems from my willingness to go the extra mile to get the results quicker and easier. The crap that's going on in my head right now is prove enough sub is doing something but it's so early to really say. To be honest I expect in a couple of week/months to say something like "Wow, I didn't realize until it happened but fear is gone".
I'm especially curious how fear removal will work for my masturbation habits. I think it's undeniable that these habits are 100% stemming from fear of relationships and commitments. Why look for a partner when I can jerk off? These past days I've had less urge but when I had it was more... violent. Like I either dismiss urge outright as not worth my time when I get triggered by something of the internet or I have an urge to go for the worst fetishes I'm familiar with for some reason. Clearly there's a resistance to keep me down at work here. Either this or a misguided attempt at looking for a catharsis, a emotional release.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
