07-04-2021, 04:29 AM
I wish to post something. I have some fear, but since I'm craving doing this I think it's important.
I'm using LTU6 and posting about it after the huge rush of curious excitement when it was released. I've done this before with E2 and other subs. Why do I do this?
One old belief (which I've still held to) is that I won't be accepted if I'm in the "in" crowd, the crowd that takes on new ideas and ideas that look cool. I know this is junior high kind of thinking, but that's where I am. I'm facing it, and maybe letting it go. I'm just owning it currently.
I always wanted to feel like I belonged with a group, but during those same junior high years are when I experienced some bad things in my family.
So, in a way, me doing this after all the buzz and hype is over is me protecting and isolating myself from fears of being rejected. Another major reason I'm doing this is that by separating myself I'm not tempted to constantly seek other's approval (like I did 2 days ago at work). And more specifically, that I won't give myself away to attain some approval. After a while, I'm like "who the F*** am I?" I tend to disrespect myself when doing this.
Edit: I reread my post above. Am I trying to seek pity? My face grimaced thinking of that. I'm seeking around for something in my thinking after watching some negative video for 10 minutes (I turned it off since it was affecting me). Seeking "positive influences" feels nicer--and I'm attracted t it.
On that note, I took a walk yesterday afternoon. I noticed LTU working, as I remember LTU 3.1 years back having me smile regularly. While walking yesterday, I initially wanted to isolate myself, and I felt sort of uncomfortable doing that purposely. I finally lifted my head some--and as occasional cars would pass it felt good smiling to whomever passed. It fed me in a healthy way. I'll probably walk again today (I've not walked in my neighborhood for months, literally).
I'm using LTU6 and posting about it after the huge rush of curious excitement when it was released. I've done this before with E2 and other subs. Why do I do this?
One old belief (which I've still held to) is that I won't be accepted if I'm in the "in" crowd, the crowd that takes on new ideas and ideas that look cool. I know this is junior high kind of thinking, but that's where I am. I'm facing it, and maybe letting it go. I'm just owning it currently.
I always wanted to feel like I belonged with a group, but during those same junior high years are when I experienced some bad things in my family.
So, in a way, me doing this after all the buzz and hype is over is me protecting and isolating myself from fears of being rejected. Another major reason I'm doing this is that by separating myself I'm not tempted to constantly seek other's approval (like I did 2 days ago at work). And more specifically, that I won't give myself away to attain some approval. After a while, I'm like "who the F*** am I?" I tend to disrespect myself when doing this.
Edit: I reread my post above. Am I trying to seek pity? My face grimaced thinking of that. I'm seeking around for something in my thinking after watching some negative video for 10 minutes (I turned it off since it was affecting me). Seeking "positive influences" feels nicer--and I'm attracted t it.
On that note, I took a walk yesterday afternoon. I noticed LTU working, as I remember LTU 3.1 years back having me smile regularly. While walking yesterday, I initially wanted to isolate myself, and I felt sort of uncomfortable doing that purposely. I finally lifted my head some--and as occasional cars would pass it felt good smiling to whomever passed. It fed me in a healthy way. I'll probably walk again today (I've not walked in my neighborhood for months, literally).
I want to be FREE!
