Findingme: LTU6

[Mystic Pymp]

I began LTU6 this week after bouncing around with E4, then OF3.  I'm on my first rest day of LTU6, first week.

I haven't wanted to write.  Why?  I just smiled realizing the honest truth about that.  Don't know why I'm writing this.  I used to journal mostly for attention, and I earned it by playing weak, helpless, and so "in need!" of emotional rescuing.  I played the victim repeatedly, an old family habit I learned growing up.  

And I still own those tools.  Fear motivates it consistently.  It's even speaking up now--me writing for 5 minutes, then deleting it.  

Something I will share happened yesterday, and I......know... it's hitting an old root of mine.  I worked out of town yesterday helping another site out.  I had worked there Wednesday, and I returned yesterday to work with the same driver.

I felt emotionally insecure around this guy, but it came from deep within.  The sub's digging up things.  While riding with him, I kept seeking his attention.  My cue--I realized I kept looking for a facial reaction--as this told me "he accepts me and I'm ok".  I kept doing this over and over.  I wasn't conscious of it fully while on the route, mostly since I was successful with jokes or I was articulate with certain topics.  When we neared our day's completion I felt insecure, almost incomplete.  I was tempted to go into old self-punishing mentality once I was alone, but even that wasn't any solution.  I listened to ultrasonic loops once home.

Looking back, I stressed myself out a bit doing this (him too, likely).  I was on that acceptance/approval hamster wheel, me seeking him to fill an old void of mine.  I can see now how a want can turn to a demand since those old voids seem to never be satisfied.

I've done the same thing here in this site, writing and seeking acceptance again and again.  St1 is working on this, and it's good.  I think it's actually pulling me off of this old fallback.  But honestly, I have no idea where it's taking me.  

---I feel kind of insecure not having a good closing to my post here. It's the belief I have to perform to be loved.  I also felt a repulsion when I considered using the poor me victim mentality.

That's a lot of harsh honesty and I'm glad you came to this realization. I'm not sure if my two cents will be of any use but for me journaling is only for myself. It's not a vehicle to get attention of pity but an opportunity to collect my thoughts and reflect on my life from the context of the sub.

How was your journey so far? You haven't update in a long while.