07-02-2021, 11:26 AM
Day 1 cont.
What a weird day. I felt so aimless the entire time. Like usually I can keep myself busy easily. Now though I didn't know what to do with myself. When I was working I was doing well, focus was alright, but when I was done it was hopeless.
For example I decided to go for a walk. I'm not as religious when it comes to daily exercise as I was in the past but usually I either have this urge and I do it or I don't and I do other stuff. Today I was free and aimless so I forced myself to do it. I wanted to listen to some podcasts but after 30 seconds it was a null option. So I went with music and soon it really hit me. By the end of the walk I was almost singing aloud, I was so carried away by my tunes.
I think I'm often in this kind of state when I'm emotionally overwhelmed. Emotionally is a bad word but I cannot find a better one. I'm overwhelmed by possibility. Usually my days are well structured, I know what I wanna do and day is always too short. No day is too long. Clearly something is going on in the background, I'd just wish to be less paralyzing.
I got angry at my mom when I called her today. She asked me what interesting stuff is happening in my life. When I said that nothing she started her usual bickering about how come young person in a large city has nothing happening in his life. What am I supposed to tell her about? About my work that is well above her paygrade and she doesn't remember a thing even if I tell her? About how I was ghosted AGAIN and I'm taking it harder than usual and nevertheless I will be hearing about how I should start thinking about starting a family? Or maybe about some obscure religions I'm researching now and she couldn't give to craps about? What exactly should I tell her about, especially if we talk almost daily.
There is this urge to listen to more loops. It feels like an itch to scratch a wound that didn't heal yet so it will bleed when I do it but I wanna do it regardless. Normally I'd listen to some more loops but I wanna go slowly at the start. I'm still very unsure about this sub and I don't understand it intuitively, I don't have a "feel" for it like I do for 99% of things I interact with in my life. Like I told you some time ago, me running this sub feels like entering a different timeline. Everything feels weird now.
What a weird day. I felt so aimless the entire time. Like usually I can keep myself busy easily. Now though I didn't know what to do with myself. When I was working I was doing well, focus was alright, but when I was done it was hopeless.
For example I decided to go for a walk. I'm not as religious when it comes to daily exercise as I was in the past but usually I either have this urge and I do it or I don't and I do other stuff. Today I was free and aimless so I forced myself to do it. I wanted to listen to some podcasts but after 30 seconds it was a null option. So I went with music and soon it really hit me. By the end of the walk I was almost singing aloud, I was so carried away by my tunes.
I think I'm often in this kind of state when I'm emotionally overwhelmed. Emotionally is a bad word but I cannot find a better one. I'm overwhelmed by possibility. Usually my days are well structured, I know what I wanna do and day is always too short. No day is too long. Clearly something is going on in the background, I'd just wish to be less paralyzing.
I got angry at my mom when I called her today. She asked me what interesting stuff is happening in my life. When I said that nothing she started her usual bickering about how come young person in a large city has nothing happening in his life. What am I supposed to tell her about? About my work that is well above her paygrade and she doesn't remember a thing even if I tell her? About how I was ghosted AGAIN and I'm taking it harder than usual and nevertheless I will be hearing about how I should start thinking about starting a family? Or maybe about some obscure religions I'm researching now and she couldn't give to craps about? What exactly should I tell her about, especially if we talk almost daily.
There is this urge to listen to more loops. It feels like an itch to scratch a wound that didn't heal yet so it will bleed when I do it but I wanna do it regardless. Normally I'd listen to some more loops but I wanna go slowly at the start. I'm still very unsure about this sub and I don't understand it intuitively, I don't have a "feel" for it like I do for 99% of things I interact with in my life. Like I told you some time ago, me running this sub feels like entering a different timeline. Everything feels weird now.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
