Its going right to my achilles heel, I'm going to get a bit vulnerable here because that's the only way this journal will be any interesting
Basically I am bisexual but my gay side has never felt quite right to me, and has always come out in ways that are very humiliating/self-harming. This is the lot of the reason I'm in trauma therapy. I want to accept myself, and essentially would like to have normal (or extraordinary) relationships with women. So of course the program is working immediately on "fear of being gay" and everything related to that.
There is a cat and mouse effect happening with the fear and desire. In addressing the fear aspect, all of the other stuff is coming up (desire, shame, guilt, doubt, etc). This morning I felt fairly compulsive and unsteady, but after sitting and doing my breathing, I feel totally free of fear, and also totally free of compulsive desire. They are linked. I called my therapist and we talked about the fear, he basically asserts that the more I can deal with the deeper fears, the more likely I will be free of the harmful sex desire (although he made no promises either which is responsible of him). So this subliminal is quite apropos.
I don't know where I'll end up sexually on the other side of fear but I know it will at least be a lot better. If I want to have a fighting chance of not resisting AM, WM, or SM, I need to make peace with this first most likely. Or maybe I won't feel the need to run those programs, as my reason for wanting to run them probably comes from deep fear as well. I think only in becoming free from fear can I see what I genuinely want for myself.
Basically I am bisexual but my gay side has never felt quite right to me, and has always come out in ways that are very humiliating/self-harming. This is the lot of the reason I'm in trauma therapy. I want to accept myself, and essentially would like to have normal (or extraordinary) relationships with women. So of course the program is working immediately on "fear of being gay" and everything related to that.
There is a cat and mouse effect happening with the fear and desire. In addressing the fear aspect, all of the other stuff is coming up (desire, shame, guilt, doubt, etc). This morning I felt fairly compulsive and unsteady, but after sitting and doing my breathing, I feel totally free of fear, and also totally free of compulsive desire. They are linked. I called my therapist and we talked about the fear, he basically asserts that the more I can deal with the deeper fears, the more likely I will be free of the harmful sex desire (although he made no promises either which is responsible of him). So this subliminal is quite apropos.
I don't know where I'll end up sexually on the other side of fear but I know it will at least be a lot better. If I want to have a fighting chance of not resisting AM, WM, or SM, I need to make peace with this first most likely. Or maybe I won't feel the need to run those programs, as my reason for wanting to run them probably comes from deep fear as well. I think only in becoming free from fear can I see what I genuinely want for myself.
