09-14-2020, 12:02 AM
I picked up a book months ago in Goodwill, as I was curious. I had read about halfway through when I bought it, and I opened it up to read a chapter after waking up early this morning. It's called "Bound by Honor", and it's an autobiography by one of the major players in the old Mafia, something I've been completely uninformed about. I only bring this up for one reason: as I read, I pick up the growing awareness of consequences for one's actions, and how they are forced to deal with that. LTU is digging in, for I'm seeing some consequences myself; in other words, my own actions affect those around me, including right here.
I posted something yesterday here in an almost juvenile way, and my thinking was "why not?" Like a kid, I've so wanted to hide behind "the sub is changing me, so let me explore". A part of me wanted to admit things I've done, to literally test the boundaries. I did, and feedback came early, me hearing it without my defensive blinders on. I deleted the post since it was inviting trouble for me.
While reading the book above, I was reminded that we're not alone. I'm not alone here. I hardly know people here (that's my doing), but that's irrelevant. My actions do affect people. I'd like to feel proud and confident about my progress, and that post threatened my sense of security here. The idea of integrity, of being honest, is important to me. Raising s***storms isn't good--for anyone. It never has been.
I'm reminded of a former sub user who began his emotional healing journey here, and similar to what I did yesterday, he endorsed things specifically forbidden here on the forum. He was banned temporarily, and is now banned permanently. Reflecting on the book above, many characters came and went in the family business, and those that went seemed to always make stupid choices for themselves. People would become successful for a period, but some became prideful and took it too far, thereby incriminating themselves. They thought success was a protection for them. But many fell based on a lack of knowledge or awareness of the consequences.
I'm seeing this in my own life now.
I posted something yesterday here in an almost juvenile way, and my thinking was "why not?" Like a kid, I've so wanted to hide behind "the sub is changing me, so let me explore". A part of me wanted to admit things I've done, to literally test the boundaries. I did, and feedback came early, me hearing it without my defensive blinders on. I deleted the post since it was inviting trouble for me.
While reading the book above, I was reminded that we're not alone. I'm not alone here. I hardly know people here (that's my doing), but that's irrelevant. My actions do affect people. I'd like to feel proud and confident about my progress, and that post threatened my sense of security here. The idea of integrity, of being honest, is important to me. Raising s***storms isn't good--for anyone. It never has been.
I'm reminded of a former sub user who began his emotional healing journey here, and similar to what I did yesterday, he endorsed things specifically forbidden here on the forum. He was banned temporarily, and is now banned permanently. Reflecting on the book above, many characters came and went in the family business, and those that went seemed to always make stupid choices for themselves. People would become successful for a period, but some became prideful and took it too far, thereby incriminating themselves. They thought success was a protection for them. But many fell based on a lack of knowledge or awareness of the consequences.
I'm seeing this in my own life now.
I want to be FREE!
