Stage 1, Session 5, Day 6
I haven't written in days, which isn't normal for me. I've been feeling shame about myself, and when I came to write (the last 2 days), I held off. My old default of playing the victim popped up, and I wouldn't do it.
The biggest challenge I'm facing is merely seeing and accepting what I'm feeling--and I'm finding a root to that, as it's been poking its head up. It's an old survival-based fear of being hurt by men I trust.
I noticed this when replaying a conversation I had days ago with my new renters in the house I live in. This guy has a beautiful wife/girlfriend, and I've intentionally avoided too much contact with her since she seems very trusting, though she speaks no English. I'd had a package delivered, and I wondered if they'd took it in their part of the house since heavy rain was threatening. When I knocked, he came to the door, handed me my package, and it's only the 2nd time I've spoke with him. He was very trusting and open, and we talked a few minutes, me finding about him more. His girlfriend popped up minutes later, and internally I felt uncomfortable and froze since, well, I felt safer around her, even though this guy was not emotionally or physically threatening.
That feeling stuck with me.
When I replayed this scenario in my mind later, I was able to follow my feelings more, and I had felt that fear of hurting him and receiving hurt from him, so in my imagination, I felt safer talking to her. I realized the danger I put myself in by trusting her more than him, which is what I felt when she'd popped up in the actual conversation.
This is a reflection of my own relationship with my brother, the one I depended on while growing up. No contact lately, though I've texted him a week ago asking if he wanted to meet for coffee. No reply. I've been hurting (old stuff), he's been hurting (old stuff), and hurt people hurt people.
Part of me has been stuck here a long time, and still is.
Part of me wishes to write more, hoping understanding and accepting it will help. Tears popped up just now, me allowing my truth to come forth.
The hard part, feeling and expressing it, is closer than I know. I picked up St2 2 days ago, and will start it tomorrow. I'm feeling some anger--being stuck sucks.
I haven't written in days, which isn't normal for me. I've been feeling shame about myself, and when I came to write (the last 2 days), I held off. My old default of playing the victim popped up, and I wouldn't do it.
The biggest challenge I'm facing is merely seeing and accepting what I'm feeling--and I'm finding a root to that, as it's been poking its head up. It's an old survival-based fear of being hurt by men I trust.
I noticed this when replaying a conversation I had days ago with my new renters in the house I live in. This guy has a beautiful wife/girlfriend, and I've intentionally avoided too much contact with her since she seems very trusting, though she speaks no English. I'd had a package delivered, and I wondered if they'd took it in their part of the house since heavy rain was threatening. When I knocked, he came to the door, handed me my package, and it's only the 2nd time I've spoke with him. He was very trusting and open, and we talked a few minutes, me finding about him more. His girlfriend popped up minutes later, and internally I felt uncomfortable and froze since, well, I felt safer around her, even though this guy was not emotionally or physically threatening.
That feeling stuck with me.
When I replayed this scenario in my mind later, I was able to follow my feelings more, and I had felt that fear of hurting him and receiving hurt from him, so in my imagination, I felt safer talking to her. I realized the danger I put myself in by trusting her more than him, which is what I felt when she'd popped up in the actual conversation.
This is a reflection of my own relationship with my brother, the one I depended on while growing up. No contact lately, though I've texted him a week ago asking if he wanted to meet for coffee. No reply. I've been hurting (old stuff), he's been hurting (old stuff), and hurt people hurt people.
Part of me has been stuck here a long time, and still is.
Part of me wishes to write more, hoping understanding and accepting it will help. Tears popped up just now, me allowing my truth to come forth.
The hard part, feeling and expressing it, is closer than I know. I picked up St2 2 days ago, and will start it tomorrow. I'm feeling some anger--being stuck sucks.
I want to be FREE!
