Transcendental Sith Lord's OF Journal

[ncbeareatingman]

Oh boy where to begin with this. Lots and lots of changes and I have to think of most of them since I haven't felt the need to post any of this. I'm only doing so now because (1) I have plenty of time to do so, (2) It might help out some people by reading this and possibly give some hope to those still resisting, and (3) It might not be best to get results then just disappear like some forum members have done in the past. I do admit I was very resistant to this due to this idea I have now that I rather not focus on past victories when there are still more victories to come. 

- Fear is pretty much completely destroyed and even times when I would "almost" feel that emotion it only takes me a second to say "nah" and dismissed whatever I might have tried to be fearful of. 

- I would say before that my general sense of well being before the breakthru was probably fluctuating between a 1 and a 4 based on how bad the PTSD might be that day. Now, I would say I fluctuate between an 8 and a 10. I reach a 10 at least once a day as it is, a kind of high on life type feeling. Other times its just a relaxed calm happiness and confidence. A very grounded feeling.

- I don't give a crap about calling people on their BS to their faces. I've actually already done this to several women automatically with little thought. For some reason I find it now "fun" to do this to people and see their reactions. I also don't mind blocking them when it gets stupid and just moving on to something else with my time. My time is more valuable than dealing with idiots. 

- Funny enough I actually enjoy texting people, etc a lot more or going outside. When I was very, very young I was actually quite outgoing to a degree and talkative. Only reason that changed was because of past situations which caused me to slowly withdraw emotionally and personally from engaging people. 

- A somewhat minor thing but shows a big shift in how I do things. I've been playing the Hitman 1 and 2 series the last couple of weeks. At the beginning I would look up how to efficiently do certain challenges and story quests for various stages. Now I don't even look them up anymore and just try to figure them out which can take quite a while and kind of have this huge resistance to looking up how to do them. This actually touched on a huge fear of mines: Fear of making mistakes. I think this fear kept me from trying lots of things in the first place unless I had detailed instructions or something to guide me so I wouldn't make mistakes. If I could or didn't feel confidant enough about the info I was given (or it was a field where it was impossible to move throughout without making mistakes) I would probably just not even try whatever it was. Essentially failing before the race even started. Now I don't give a crap if I make a lot of mistakes along the way and i have a persistence now to keep on trying until I get it. I don't want some easy way handed to me. 

- I deserve to live a life of luxury and deserve to sleep with hot women if I want to. More than anything I feel like I am destined for such a lifestyle. I "know" therefore that the new DMSI and UMS will work when they come out. 

Hmm now for me to touch on some things that have changed regarding my perception. Something I have found now (hopefully Shannon can offer some insight) is I have these moments where I think I access the part of my subconscious that perceives time differently. As in I will get these flashes (or if I'm concentrating on an aspect of the future) its like for a second or a few I will be fully immersed in this "future". As in it feels totally real as if I'm living it at that moment. I can only guess this is: (1) Me accessing a certain future through a part of my subconscious that perceives time radically differently from my own, (2) This is a "possible" future, or (3) I'm just getting very good at active manifestation. I have actually taken to meditating at times just to bring about these moments. Know this is going sound weird to some people (not that I give a crap really) but thought I should hopefully get some ideas on what this is. If its a part of my subconscious I'm accessing perhaps I became unafraid of accessing that part of myself. 

Another thing to mention is I feel like I'm ice cold to a degree. As in I feel positive emotions like I alluded to before but when people try to manipulate me like trying to present something so I feel pity for them so I try to help them out I feel none for them even if the situation is real. Probably because I'm able to sense they are using this real situation to manipulate me and despite how sad the situation might be I don't give a crap. Hmmm its like people can't manipulate me emotionally anymore nor do I care if I call them out on such subtle manipulation. I will tell them straight to their face and not "fear" if I offend them either (not that I'm saying it in some angry sort of way). 

So, I think that's it for now. Might write more later.

 Dayuumm man tht superior. wow. what progress. no wonder you did feel like posting much lately. you were and are too busy LIVING it and experiencing it for such. glad ja did though. more power to ya in the coming weeks and months. I could see using OF for 18 months straight.....I've been on it since July 3rd or there abouts, when UMS2 finally comes out,I'll switch over,fortunately it will have FRM4.9 in it or 4.9.0 or 5.0 by then,either way the journey continues. Gawd are we some Luck Mfker's!! Ha! I swear we are soo fortunate. No therapist I know can give  us what this good sh^t does.... people could spend years 'on a couch' so to speak.....decades even...therapy is good and I recommend  damn good one,s but this things takes things to a whole new level.
 again more power to ya.... 
May the force continue to  Be with You. I still have a T-shirt that Ive never seen anywhere else( Ive looked coz I'd like to getta new version of it) that says " Let the Foreskin Be with YOU"  Ha!

 PPS: I Know Tshirt makers online I could request a custome design,ya Im there already,so.)