09-05-2020, 09:13 AM
I didn't notice St1 making major noticable changes (so I thought), but something showed up while heading home from work today. It's something which has been stuck in place a long, long time.
For the last few days, my mind has been returning to what Shannon said recently in someone's post: that LTU handles mental, physical, emotional, and sexual healing. That last one is why I'm writing now.
While driving home, I had a bunch of thoughts come forward, all hinting at some kind of sexual issues being worked on. I'm nearly 50, I thought of a neighbor nearby (who's maybe 60) which I've seen as attractive a number of times, and old memories began popping up about my mother and the sexual messages I adopted from her. My mom remarried once when I was about 6, but it was a very short marriage. She never dated again, but she'd flirt with coworkers from time to time.
In essence, I associated sex with her sense of shame, so sex has basically been shameful to me.
Today I felt that belt of shame and restriction loosening up some. Like I couldn't feel it for a few seconds. I decided to follow my instincts this morning, and due to rising fears, I'm listening to loops now, though this was supposed to be my first of 2 days rest. Something IS being worked on, as I'm even soft emotionally now.
Something I just thought of, which is connected: I worked my 1/2 day today, a norm, and it was the female manager on duty today. Numerous times before this I've had angry thoughts about her, though much of it is fear-related. When I saw her while clocking out today, I studied her with my eyes. I was looking at her hairstyle, her expressions with the other 2 guys there, and .......well, my defenses weren't up. No sudden flip into rabid sexual desires for her, just an unusual appreciation of her natural beauty and femininity. This was not normal for me.
Something is definitely being worked on. And I thought I was almost finished with St1. I've got close to 9 days left (started 8/14/20). I'm glad this came up, for it runs deep and has limited me my whole life.
For the last few days, my mind has been returning to what Shannon said recently in someone's post: that LTU handles mental, physical, emotional, and sexual healing. That last one is why I'm writing now.
While driving home, I had a bunch of thoughts come forward, all hinting at some kind of sexual issues being worked on. I'm nearly 50, I thought of a neighbor nearby (who's maybe 60) which I've seen as attractive a number of times, and old memories began popping up about my mother and the sexual messages I adopted from her. My mom remarried once when I was about 6, but it was a very short marriage. She never dated again, but she'd flirt with coworkers from time to time.
In essence, I associated sex with her sense of shame, so sex has basically been shameful to me.
Today I felt that belt of shame and restriction loosening up some. Like I couldn't feel it for a few seconds. I decided to follow my instincts this morning, and due to rising fears, I'm listening to loops now, though this was supposed to be my first of 2 days rest. Something IS being worked on, as I'm even soft emotionally now.
Something I just thought of, which is connected: I worked my 1/2 day today, a norm, and it was the female manager on duty today. Numerous times before this I've had angry thoughts about her, though much of it is fear-related. When I saw her while clocking out today, I studied her with my eyes. I was looking at her hairstyle, her expressions with the other 2 guys there, and .......well, my defenses weren't up. No sudden flip into rabid sexual desires for her, just an unusual appreciation of her natural beauty and femininity. This was not normal for me.
Something is definitely being worked on. And I thought I was almost finished with St1. I've got close to 9 days left (started 8/14/20). I'm glad this came up, for it runs deep and has limited me my whole life.
I want to be FREE!
