whome's OF 5.75G journal

[whome]

If I were in your shoes, I would want to solve the problem.  If the ketamine is not going to solve it, I would probably give OF the full 8 months and then decide if I wanted/needed ketamine.  Or you can give ketamine a chance and then if necessary, do OF.  But whatever you do, I think it would be really beneficial for you to do a full 8 months of OF.

Oh, I want to solve the problem.

The reason I’m doing ketamine treatments is because I lived for years with a burning, excruciating pain in my chest. It ranged from “not terrible” to overwhelming. I was only capable of feeling somewhat happy on the best of my days. Now that I’m doing ketamine treatments, the volume on the pain is significantly reduced.

Maybe a year ago, before I was doing the treatments, I had this exhaustion reaction to a different sub of yours, but it wasn’t just exhaustion. Without the ketamine, my emotions were also trashed, and after a week of both physical exhaustion and emotional pain overwhelm, I could not continue and I stopped. Without the chemical support of ketamine keeping my emotions in check, I cannot push through a sub if my subconscious is fighting back.

Which is why I can’t consider your suggestion of “if the ketamine is not going to solve it, I would probably give OF the full 8 months.” It’s not like the ketamine “fixes” or “solves” anything. It just turns off the pain. But I don’t have the option of not using it.

My matrix of options:

• Neither OF nor ketamine: I live with pain varying from bad to overwhelming. I decided I was not going to live this way any more, so I don’t choose this one.
  
• OF but not ketamine: My subconscious fights back with exhaustion and overwhelming pain. The last time I experienced this with a sub, I folded within the week. If I were to insist on pushing through it, I would probably end up killing myself to make the pain stop. When subliminals trigger my subconscious to fight back with overwhelming pain, I stop listening to those subliminals because I’m not suicidal. This is not a tenable option for any longer than a week or so.
  
• Ketamine but not OF: My emotions vary from normal-ish to light-but-manageable constant sadness. The downside: I have to get a treatment every three weeks or so for basically the rest of my life.
  
• Both ketamine and OF: My subconscious fights back with exhaustion, but the ketamine prevents the overwhelming pain. It’s a bit better than the first option, but not by much. The exhaustion prevents other healing work and interferes with the ketamine sessions.
  

In that matrix, you can see that I’m going to keep getting ketamine treatments. The question is OF.

Every time I talk to my healer or the doctor about the fact that I’m listening to a subliminal that is bringing up these effects, it feels hard to justify to them, and to myself, why I’m pushing through the exhaustion. It’s hard to say, “I’m doing this subliminal and pushing through the exhaustion so that I won’t be dependent on getting ketamine treatments for the rest of my life” when the counter argument is, “you’ve felt emotional pain for your entire life; now that it’s gone, why are you pushing yourself through suffering when you can stop and actually enjoy living?”

That’s why I’m asking the question: how long is it expected to take before the sub breaks through? Without ketamine, the resistance broke me after a week. I had to stop for sheer survival. With ketamine, I’ve made it 5 weeks so far, but I see no letup to the exhaustion. Is there an end in sight? Is there a way to get a sense of how much longer it will be? I can push through the exhaustion for maybe two or three more weeks. I don’t have a problem with the idea of using OF for 8 months. But not if my subconscious is fighting me for all those 8 months.

OF will eventually break through

There’s only so much strength I can give to that “eventually”.